Kagen no tsuki - Part 8: Depts and Deeds

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids (AU characters)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Don't own KinKi Kids, or anything JE-related
Warnings: language, sexual situations (non-con!!!!!! well, not really, but I don't know what else to call it)
Setting: AU
Multi-Chapter


Intro: Go has to follow his responsibility. Hikaru tries to aid him as best he can, but in the end  they are both lost in the situation.


Note: More philosophical chaos. Sorry, I did not mean to write this in such a manner, but somehow it turned out this way. Please bare with the drama, a lighter mood will soon be established again.

“Found you.”

Hikaru looked up in surprise, happily noting that Go was standing behind him.

“You went looking for me?” he asked gleefully, one of his bare feet playing in the water of the pond lazily.

Go smiled at that. Hikaru really loved getting attention.

“More like I ran into Saito and asked him for a good hide-out and he told me that when you want to be left alone, you come here. I didn’t know you wanted to be alone. Shall I go?” Go suggested playfully.

“You can tell me why you’re trying to hide and from whom,” Hikaru offered, not even gracing Go’s statement with an answer.

At that the older boy’s face fell slightly. Then a sad smile came to his face. “Actually, I wanted to find a few secluded minutes to think about how to tell you something important. And now I find you here…”

“What do you want to tell me?” Hikaru asked directly.

Go sighed, slowly seating himself next to the other in the grass. When their eyes met he almost melted at Hikaru’s nervous smile. Wanting to enjoy at least a moment of privacy that they could share he reached out and softly stroked Hikaru’s cheek. The younger boy immediately relaxed into the touch and let himself be pulled into a chaste kiss.

“Mh, nice,” Hikaru sighed happily as they parted again. “Talk later?” he offered, tracing Go’s lips with delicate fingers.

The older boy felt he absolutely agreed and already wanted to pull the other in again, but then he halted for a moment, a slightly sceptical look on his face.

“Are you very sure we won’t be seen?” he asked warily.

Hikaru chuckled slightly. “Not to worry. Nobody ever comes here. Don’t you know? It’s the haunted pond.”

“The haunted pond?”

Hikaru nodded. “According to legend the cursed souls of the couple who drowned here dwell in this pond and if you get too close, or lose your way around here at night, the spirits will come and steal your soul to haunt the pond with them.”

“And that’s why people never come here?” Go wanted to confirm.

Hikaru nodded, chuckling slightly. “Do you believe that? People can be so stupidly superstitious.”

Go considered that for a while. “So, you don’t believe in that sort of thing?”

Hikaru blinked at him. “What? No. And guess what: I come here regularly and my soul hasn’t been stolen from me. Come on, stories like that are just stupid.”

“Hm,” Go mused thoughtfully. “What is stupid? Haunting souls? Or souls in general. Do you not believe in souls? Or… charms maybe?”

Hikaru noted the careful tone in Go’s voice and caught on immediately. He wanted to reassure the other immediately, but then actually thought about it for real.

“Well, I don’t think I actually believe that a charm will really do something to your life. But then… it’s really like I’ve never thought about it a lot, so it’s not like I absolutely don’t believe it either. Seems that I’m… indecisive.”

“Ignorant, you mean,” Go retorted.

“Oi, no need to get mean,” Hikaru complained.

“Well, you just said it yourself that you’ve never thought about it,” Go shrugged.

“Is that really something important to think about?” Hikaru mused.

“Of course, it is,” Go insisted. “It’s a fundamental decision that will influence your life immensely. The way in which you see the world and the way you live and make decisions.”

“So, what about you, then? Do you believe in charms?” Hikaru wanted to know.

“I… I believe that you can present other people with energy. Whether you do it with charms, or in any other way doesn’t really matter,” Go explained.

“Really, you believe in that?” Hikaru asked, sounding a bit surprised.

“You are the one who gave one to me,” Go reminded him.

“Well… it’s a gesture,” Hikaru explained. “I wanted to show you that I like you and I thought that would be a good way.”

“What about souls?” Go asked. “Do you not believe in souls either? That you have a soul?”

“A soul…” Hikaru mused thoughtfully. “A soul that will live forever, even when my body perishes? Isn’t that just a weak man’s comforting idea, who is afraid of the fact that he will have to die and that everything will end then and whatever his life had been was a waste from the very beginning?”

“You don’t believe in it, then,” Go concluded. “Now I understand what Endo-san said.”

“Endo-san?” Hikaru asked, blinking.

“Well, he’s been my teacher ever since I can remember. He’s taught me a lot. Basic education, but also so much more.”

“And he said what?”

“He said that if there is really nothing you believe in, you will become a miserable person. And what you just said… sounded pretty miserable.”

A longer silence followed. A heavy, but yet not really an uncomfortable silence. The two of them were sitting there, both lost in their own train of thoughts, trying to think over what they had discussed and searching for answers they knew were not to be found.

“What did you want to talk to me about,” Hikaru suddenly spoke up.

Somehow the atmosphere around them had grown really calm and Go, even though he still realised that the news would be devastating, found that there couldn’t be a more opportune moment to share them with his lover.

“I’m going to get married soon,” Go stated simply. “An important family head is dying and I’ve been appointed to take over his place.”

Hikaru merely nodded in understanding. He too felt the strange air around them. Even though he knew that Go getting married would make things much harder for them, he couldn’t even get himself to feel sorrow, or disappointment. As they sat there, they felt that if their lives got shattered like that, they could simply put them back together in a way they thought was right.

“We could just stay here,” Hikaru suddenly suggested. “We could hide,” he continued to mumble absentmindedly, his eyes fixed on the water. “Nobody would find us.”

“Stay here?” Go asked lazily.

“If I asked you, would you stay here with me forever?”

“Forever?” Go asked curiously. “To do what?”

“Steal the souls of people who come strolling by?” Hikaru suggested and he sounded just earnest enough to make Go feel that there was no sarcastic touch in that statement.

“Didn’t you just say that only weak people looking for comfort believe in souls?” Go asked, raising a curious brow.

“Didn’t you just say that people who believe in nothing are miserable?” Hikaru countered. “I don’t want to be miserable. Not because of that anyway.”

Go laughed slightly at that. “So you just start to believe now?”

“It’s not like I can lose anything,” the younger boy shrugged. “If I’m right, my life will definitely be less miserable and if I’m wrong I’ll never learn. Actually, that’s a pretty good deal.”

Go laughed more heartily and Hikaru looked up at him. “That’s about the same thing I told Endo-san about it,” Go explained.

“And what did he say?” Hikaru wanted to know.

“That it’s a wise way to look at things.”

“Wohoo, look at me, I’m a wise man now.”

“Well, then, since you’re changing your life so fundamentally, I will do the same,” Go decided. “You don’t want to be miserable, and I don’t want to be weak. So I’ll stop hiding. I will accept what my family wants for me and I will get married. I will not give up on you, though.”

“Why would you?” Hikaru asked, confused.

“Well, Endo-san has warned me about staying close to you,” Go explained.

“How did he learn about us?” Hikaru asked alarmed.

“Seems he knows a thing or two about storms,” Go grinned weakly. “He’s always been good at telling when I lie.”

“Dammit,” Hikaru mumbled.

“Well, it’s not like he explicitly told me to stay away. It was more like a warning to be careful,” Go stated. “So, let’s be careful.”

Hikaru nodded. Then a playful smile came to his lips.

“How about you stop hiding a bit later and while we’re still here…”

His voice trailed off as his lips found another pair that happily started to play with them.

______________________________________________________________________________________

“It is an honour for me to take your daughter’s hand in marriage.”

Go bowed politely, trying to be his most dignified self. Kamachi Anju, his soon to be mother-in-law smiled bravely at him.

“We are very happy that you have found appeal in our daughter,” Anju declared. “Please take good care of her and let her begift the family with a good heir.”

Go looked at the little girl, who was sitting right beside her mother. He could see her hands shaking, even though she kept fidgeting with them in order to distract herself. She looked miserable. Her eyes red from crying and dark from an obvious lack of sleep, skin unhealthily pale, face overly thin. Even so he gave the girl an encouraging smile.

“Mariko-chan, I will take good care of you,” he promised.

The girl nodded weakly. She tried to give a smile of her own, but it didn’t bloom fully. Go was somewhat happy that their marriage would not be quite as soon as he had thought. Anju had requested to wait until the funeral ceremony for her husband was over and preparations for Go to move into his new home also took quite some time and effort. He still had to get used to the thought of leaving his father’s house, making this one his own. But he knew there was no turning back. He was still concerned about Mariko…

_____________________________________________________________________________________

In his misery Go called for Hikaru to meet him. He felt a bit bad about the fact that he bothered his lover with his problems. Their meetings had become rare as it was and now he was asking the other to deal with his issues. He just didn’t know anybody else he could talk to. Endo was out, since he had been very clear about what he thought Go should do. Endo wasn’t a person to understand the concept of an inner conflict. One thing Go had never been able to adopt fully was Endo’s idea that once a decision was made you have to face the possible consequences directly and second thoughts were pointless. All the more Go was truly happy when Hikaru agreed to see him and talk about his thoughts. Even though he felt a bit guilty to confront Hikaru so directly with his… well, deeds, he knew the other would listen and understand him. His main concern was about the wedding night, after all.

“You don’t know how strict people of our class are when it comes to tradition,” Go sighed dreadfully. “The night I marry her… well, when a girl gets married, she becomes a woman.”

“So?” Hikaru asked, blinking.

“What now? Aren’t you usually so smart?” Go asked, being too worked up to truly mock the other. “The deal is that I have to make her a woman.”

“I see,” Hikaru sighed. “But hey, it would happen anyway, right? At least she gets you to do it. I mean, you consider her a lot.”

“She’s a child,” Go said intensely. “That is so… wrong in every possible way. Just looking at her I could tell that she is scared. It would still be wrong, even if she wanted it, but just as I watched her…”

“Then just lie about it,” Hikaru suggested with a shrug.

“I don’t think that would be very wise. It’s a difficult thing to fake and if we get caught I don’t even want to know what kind of trouble we’ll be in. Or rather she’ll be in. They would never accept me as the man who spared her. She would be the one who refused me.”

“I guess it really is difficult,” the younger boy sighed. “Well, if it can’t be helped just try to get it over with as quickly as possible.”

Go nodded, still looking shaken. “How do you deal with it?” he asked. “People having sex with you like that?”

“You kind of get used to it,” Hikaru shrugged. “Well, it’s not like it never affects me, but I think I manage alright.”

“Any suggestions for Mariko?” Go asked hopefully.

“Tell her to dream herself away to a fantastic place where it’s light and warm and she’ll be safe. I know it sounds corny, but it really actually does help.”

Go sighed. “Two days. I don’t know if I can do it.”

“Want me to give you a fantasy to help getting it up?” Hikaru suggested.

“Hikaru, really, there is nothing funny about this,” Go grumbled out.

“Well, if you just keep dwelling in your misery that won’t help anyone either,” the younger boy shrugged.

“No, I guess not,” Go sighed.

“Really, Mariko is lucky to get you as her husband. I know a lot of guys who wouldn’t give a shit about the girl. You are a good guy, Go.”

“Thanks,” the older boy smiled.

“Come here,” Hikaru crooned, pulling his lover close and kissing him affectionately.

Go happily let the other spoil him a bit, receiving light strokes and caresses. He couldn’t help a slight grin, though.

“What?” Hikaru blinked as he pulled back.

Go just chuckled softly. “When exactly did you become so attentive? The day I met you, you were all wild. You would scratch anyone who tried to touch you.”

“Hey, I’m still wild,” Hikaru pouted. Then he gave the other a sly grin. “And if you have a thing for scratching, all you have to do is say so… If I’m acting weird, it’s all your bad influence.”

“So, I’m influencing you?” Go asked, quirking a curious brow.

“I have to admit that you have a talent there,” Hikaru smiled at him. “You have an air that makes people feel safe. Mariko will be happy to have you, I’m sure of it. I know that I am happy to have you.”

Go hugged Hikaru tightly, holding onto him with a force that almost took the actor’s breath away.

“Ano… Go?” Hikaru asked, a bit confused.

“Sorry,” Go mumbled, his voice muffled against the other’s chest. “Can I stay like this for a while?”

Hikaru smiled at the man in his arms and closed his own arms around him. “Of course,” he whispered, kissing Go’s temple lightly, “as long as you wish.”

___________________________________________________________________________________

Go felt his guts twisting madly as he opened the door to his new private room. The wedding ceremony had taken three hours altogether and yet time had seemed to fly by in a blink as all Go could think about was what would follow that official ritual. Another official act that he dreaded to the point of making him feel sick. Sure enough he found the young girl lying on her back on the floor, eyes empty, staring fixedly at the ceiling. She wore nothing but a light yukata and Go gulped, closing his eyes against upcoming nausea. Then he stepped up to the futon the girl had placed herself on and sat down onto the floor right next to her. A longer silence followed. Go felt paralysed, every fibre of his body refused to move on with this… despicable act, but in the end he recalled what Hikaru had said. It was true, he was merely prolonging the poor girl’s torment. Better get it over with quickly.

“Mariko,” Go said softly. “I assume that you have been told what is expected of us… what’s about to happen… what I will do to you.”

The girl showed no reaction to his words, but he knew she was listening and he would get it over with, but he wanted… needed her to know that he felt quite the same as her.

“Listen, I… I am really sorry that it has to be like this. I really like you a lot, and if I could wish for anything right now it would be for you to be able to understand and enjoy this. As it is, all I can do is try not to hurt you.”

Go swallowed bitterly. Fighting back tears of his own, he tried to find his composure again. In the corner of his eyes he could see the girl nodding her head slightly. A sad smile came to his face.

“Okay,” he whispered, turning to hover over the girl’s body.

He was looking directly at her now and he thought he saw something light up in her eyes for a moment. Trying to keep her as relaxed as possible, he gave her an affectionate smile and stroked her cheek softly. A shaky breath left Mariko’s lips and she closed her eyes. Go gave her a short reassuring peck. Then he left her again, to grab for the massage oil he had brought. If it eased things with Hikaru, he figured it would definitely work with Mariko as well.

“I’m sorry,” Go said apologetically, “I’ll take a minute.”

He started to stroke himself, trying to give himself stimulating images. He found it quite difficult, though, and it took him quite a while to get prepared enough to be able to finish his task. Once he thought he had worked it up enough to pull the act through, he crawled back over to the girl. The oil still in hand he battled with himself, wondering how to do this while dealing as little damage as possible.

“Mariko,” he addressed the girl again. “You have to… listen, I’ll touch you now, okay? And I want you to remain in the position I give you, okay?”

He wasn’t expecting a verbal answer, but he was happy to receive another nod. Carefully he pulled the girl’s legs up and apart enough to expose her suitably. He took another deep breath. He brought oil-slicked finger’s to the girl’s private parts, making the area considerably wet. The girl jumped at the first contact, then went completely rigid.

Go sighed. “I’m sorry. But this will help you, okay?”

Pushing a finger in Go spread some oil inside as well, then pulled back quickly.

“All done,” he stated.

As he crawled between the girl’s legs his urge to throw up and a deep sorrow were battling so vehemently that they left him quite numb altogether. He understood that this was the moment and the sooner he finished this, the better it was for both of them. So he leaned forward, stroking Mariko’s hair softly in a reassuring gesture.

“I’ll try not to hurt you,” he whispered.

Then he took his fortunately still hard cock and placed it at her entrance and without giving himself another moment to think about it, he simply pushed in, not forcefully, but demandingly enough to break the girl’s walls. He could feel it around him, something giving way to his intrusion. At the same time the girl in his arms went rigid again.

“Ssshhhhhhh,” Go tried to hush her. “It’s almost over, okay?”

He shifted his body slightly, trying to move just enough to be sure that no traces of the girl’s virginity were left. She was whimpering slightly, he could hear it even though she tried really hard not to make any sound.

“Just a little bit,” he kept murmuring. “Just a little bit more. Almost… it’s almost done. It’ll be over in a second.”

And then, a few seconds later, it really was over. Go pulled back, his cock already softening. He could see the girl relax visibly as he retreated and sighed in relief. He took a few deep breaths to calm himself again. It was his task to take care of this girl now, after all. However, before he could even remotely recover again he heard the girl next to him start to sob. First just a tiny noise, then a little moan and before Go even knew what was happening the girl was shaking and crying in earnest. Completely at a loss as of what to do he simply lay down next to her and pulled her into a warm hug.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her ear. “I’m sorry I hurt you.”

Mariko just kept sobbing, but she allowed Go’s touch and even moved closer to him to get more of his comforting warmth.

“You were great,” Go assured her. “You are a strong girl.”

At that the girl shook her head. “I’m a miserable wife,” she sobbed out.

Go frowned at that and pulled back slightly to look at her.

“What do you mean?” he wanted to know.

Another sob shook her, before she answered, heaving.

“I… I cannot serve my husband as I am supposed to. I am a terrible wife.”

The urge to be sick rose in Go again as he took in the girl’s miserable state and heard her words.

“What are you talking about?” Go demanded, his voice still soft. “You will be a wonderful wife. I think you did great.”

“My purpose as your wife is to serve you and to satisfy you,” Mariko insisted. “If I cannot do that, what good am I, then?”

“Stop saying that,” Go demanded, his tone a bit rougher this time. He couldn’t help it, he was infuriated with… well, with the world, for being as it was and making this girl even feel guilty because she couldn’t take a grown man’s desire.

“Stop saying that,” he repeated, more softly this time. “You are not a bad wife because you… listen, I do not want you to serve me that way, okay?”

“But I want to make you happy,” the girl insisted, tears still spilling from her eyes.

“You cannot do that,” Go told her affectionately.

At that Mariko blinked for a second. Then she sobbed again.

“You do not love me, then?” she asked.

“Of course I love you,” Go answered and he absolutely felt it. He was very deeply fond of this girl. “But one person can never make another person happy,” he explained. “You can maybe make someone feel happy for a moment, but if someone is not happy in himself, there is nothing you can do to possibly change that. If someone’s not happy, you can’t make him happy, no matter how hard you try.”

Mariko blinked again, trying to understand what her husband had just told her. And then she said that one sentence that truly broke Go’s heart that night.

“So… are you happy with me?”

Go felt he wanted to burst into tears right there, but instead he hugged his wife to his body and whispered affectionately to her.

“Of course I am happy, silly. How could I not be happy with such a wonderful wife? And when you grow older and have that certain kind of feeling for me, I will be even more happy to share a married couples pleasures with you.”

Go sighed in relief as he felt Mariko relax in his arms, her sobs finally fading out. He thought for a few moments about an excuse to escape the room, but soon found that there was no need for any such thing. The girl had worn herself out completely and had cried herself to sleep in his arms. He gave her a loving smile, before he pried himself free carefully and as silently as possible made his way to the next room. There he broke down, his own body now shaking with stifled sobs. And more than anything in the world he wished he could feel Hikaru’s warm arms around him that very moment.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, I've been battling with myself for a LOOOOONG time about whether I should write this scene down, or not. But in the end it got so strong I decided to write it. I feel so sorry for poor Mariko, all the more because her foremost concern is that Go would be displeased with her. My main reason for writing this was that I wanted to capture that. I am sorry if I offended people by writing this as I have. Be assured that it was the hardest scene for me to write ever. I am truly fond of Mariko and I will definitely give her something to make her happy.

Chapter 7

Chapter 9