Lucky Charm (Bring me Love) - Chapter 8: My Life with words

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Other characters: Nagase Tomoya, MA, 4U, Uchi Hiroki, KAT-TUN mainly
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own them, just love them ^^
Setting: AU
Warnings: Bit angsty, swearing mainly
Multi-Chapter


Notes: FINALLY, what you're (hopefully still) waiting for. It's also a premier. My first ever direct post to my community. \(^o^)/ I hope you will like it. ^__^


Intro: Things are pretty chaotic between Koichi and Tsuyoshi - in both dimensions. They have to find a way to deal with each other and the new situations. In addition, suddenly it seems like their time is running out. Will Koichi be able to switch back to his own dimension? And if so, can it mend anything that has happened?





The door to the apartment fell close and Koichi sighed in relief. He opened the door of the bathroom, slowly stepping out. It was stupid, of course, to avoid Tsuyoshi like that, but somehow ever since their last real encounter he couldn’t really look at the other. He wouldn’t know what to say. Or what to do. As it was, his own feelings were confusing enough without any kind of confrontation. They had kissed. Oh, who was he kidding – it had been close to a making out session. Only when he’d felt fingers on his skin he had fled in panic, leaving Tsuyoshi back alone. Ever since that night they hadn’t really seen each other. Of course, he made sure he would not have to face the other. What to tell him? What to do? How he wished he could talk to someone about all of it. He thought about calling Nagase for a moment, but decided against it. He had troubled his friend enough already. Then another thought hit him. He quickly went for his phone and dialed a number.




“Good afternoon, Koichi-kun,” a slightly surprised voice answered the call. “How may I help you?”
Koichi laughed. “Oh dear, so formal today. Sorry, are you still at work?”
There was a short silence at the other end. “Are you drunk, or something?” finally came a reaction.
Koichi understood that he must have acted out of line. Obviously he and Takki had different talking terms from the ones he was used to.
“I’m sorry,” he apologized. “What kind of approach would you find more appropriate?”
There was a sigh. “How about you just tell me what you want.”
Koichi cringed. Either the other man was in a really bad mood, or they weren’t exactly on very good terms.




“Ah, you know,” Koichi stuttered, “forget about it. It’s nothing, really.”
“What – first you call me out of the blue and act like we’re old friends and then you just hang up on me?”
Koichi bit his lip. “No, I… Well, the thing is… I didn’t know whom I should call.”
“So you called me of all people?” Takki asked. “Why?”
“Because you’re a considerate guy,” Koichi offered.
“Okay, you must be drunk,” Takki decided. “Or high. I’ll so sell you to the management.”
“Look, sorry I called you.”
Koichi wanted to end the conversation is quickly as possible. Takki, however, then cut in.
“Well, since you have me on the phone now,” he mused, “might as well say what this is about, or else I’ll feel like I’ve wasted my time.”




Koichi frowned slightly. “That’s not very nice, you know.”
“I’m listening,” the other merely offered.
“Okay,” Koichi sighed. “Say, have you ever… have you ever reached a point where something totally unexpected happened and suddenly the entire world doesn’t seem to make sense anymore? And you’d start thinking that everything that you have done, everything that you have believed in was just… a one-way road? The wrong track even? But when you look at it the way has been so long that choosing another direction might be impossible. And even if it were, you couldn’t tell where the road would lead you. Can it be worth taking the risk?”
“Koichi-kun,” Takki dragged out, “if this is your way of telling me that you’re thinking about cancelling your contract with the agency…”
“What?” Koichi blinked. Then he vehemently shook his head. “Oh god, no! That’s totally not it.”




“Well, I’m relieved to hear that,” Takki told him. “Listen, Koichi-kun. I have no idea why you called me for something like this. But as far as my experience goes, you’re never the only person going down a road. Somehow I really think I am not the person you should talk to about this. What about the people around you?”
Koichi bit his lip at that. The man had a point. It wasn’t only about him. There was still Tsuyoshi – the man waiting for him back in his own dimension. What about him? In the end it would be the two of them, after all. At least he hoped so. Somehow he hoped so.
“I’ll think about that,” he finally spoke into the phone. “Thank you, Hide-chan,” he muttered absentmindedly.




“Okay, I will finish this conversation now, “Tackey decided. “I guess I’ll be seeing you around.”
“Yeah, see you,” Koichi answered before the connection broke.
Koichi sighed. It was official. He could not continue like that and there was only one thing he could do. He had to talk to Tsuyoshi.



______________________________________________________________________________________



“Tsuyoshi, we have to talk.”
Tsuyoshi blinked at the man standing in front of him.
“Okay,” he offered willingly, putting aside his fishing magazine.
“I…” Koichi stuttered helplessly, “you know… ever since… No, what I mean is… lately. Yeah, lately is a good word.”
The other smiled genuinely at him. “Lately?”
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
Koichi bit his lip, estimating Tsuyoshi’s reaction, who seemed quite taken aback by the sudden statement.
“I was just wondering,” Koichi continued, “if it has anything to do with…”




Tsuyoshi sighed, straightening himself. “Wow, that’s unexpected.” The other merely blinked at him, making him chuckle. “You see, Koichi isn’t exactly the confronting type. He wouldn’t address such an issue so directly, least of all face to face.”
“I see,” Koichi smiled. “I actually dislike such things too. Just… While I haven’t had my lover with me these past few weeks, you were still always around and somehow now it feels like I’m… alone.”
“Koichi…”
“It’s weird,” the older of them muses, “I can’t even remember when last I actually missed Tsuyoshi. No matter if we’re touring solo, or doing other projects, I never feel like I’m without him. Even when I… well, when I came here, you were there. But now…”
“I’m sorry,” Tsuyoshi burst out.




“No,” Koichi interrupted him, “I’m the one who is sorry. I… I asked too much of you. What I did was…”
“What we did,” the other corrected him. “We were both there. I accepted you like that. I didn’t think about the consequences. Pretty stupid. I had no idea it would be… like this.”
Koichi sighed, seating himself opposite the other. “I’m also feeling reluctant about it. I mean, what on earth was I thinking? I might have ruined your entire world with that single slip.”




“You know,” Tsuyoshi smiled at him, “my life was just one big mess. There was nothing much to ruin. I kept telling myself that it was all okay, so long as I could just stand by Koichi’s side. But I was really just in denial. I too was avoiding the confrontation. Unwilling to confront my own feelings, let alone confront him with them. We just remained silent, walking the same path without even really looking at each other. Ever since you came here I started thinking isn’t that sad? Isn’t it a waste? Even when we won’t be a couple in the end, we should be honest with each other. I always wanted us to be partners. The way you told me about it. And when you told me these things, I understood that it is possible. All I’d have to do is turn my head and look. I decided that I want to do that. It doesn’t even matter if he will reject me. Not anymore. It might sound stupid, but… now that I know that Koichi, whoever that person might be, can love me, I’m thinking that it’s okay. No matter how he will look at me, I can live with it.”




Koichi let all of that sink in for a moment. He hadn’t expected that Tsuyoshi had such feelings. In a way he was relieved, because it didn’t feel like he really took advantage of the other man. At the same time it was confusing that apparently Tsuyoshi was doing his own thing with all of this.
“So,” Koichi finally said carefully, “you want to confess to him?”
“I’m really hoping that next week… you know, I hope that he will be back. And then I want to tell him how I feel.”
“I see,” Koichi smiled. “That’s good. You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if he found that he has feelings for you too.”
“Oh?” Tsuyoshi blinked.
“I don’t know too much,” Koichi explained, “but I could tell that you like Koichi after a very short time. He’s not stupid. I think he knows. Maybe he was afraid of approaching you too.”




“That can’t be it,” Tsuyoshi opposed. “It’s not me. He always keeps pointing out that… you know, guy-on-guy isn’t his cup of tea.”
“Denial?” Koichi offered with a shrug. “It might still be fear. It can be very scary… to like you,” he grinned.
Tsuyoshi actually chuckled at that. “Sweet,” he commented.
“Just saying,” Koichi shrugged. “For me and Tsuyoshi, if I hadn’t taken that one moment as an opportunity… who knows what might have happened? Or not happened. If you lack the right amount of courage in a certain moment, you might let something slip.”




“And I’m not going to keep doing that,” Tsuyoshi decided. “It’s only a few more days…”
Koichi could see the anxiety in the other’s eyes. He knew what he was thinking. They still didn’t know if the “back transferring” would work. He didn’t want to think about what he should do if he could not go back to his world. To his friends. To his crew. To his Tsuyoshi. Even so, he knew he had to show confidence. If he didn’t have it, they’d both break down. So he put on a comforting smile.
“It’ll be okay,” Koichi said encouragingly. “You will see.”
Tsuyoshi smiled at him thankfully. “So, dinner?”
“Ah, just a bite,” Koichi agreed.



________________________________________________________________________________________




“Off to Nagase now,” Koichi called out. “See you later.”
“Koichi!” Tsuyoshi called out.
He came rushing out of the bathroom, his shirt already of and his jeans undone. Even so he almost tackled Koichi, holding him.
“Koichi… we should talk,” he decided.
The other’s eyes widened slightly in fear. “Ah, sure,” he dragged out warily. “As soon as I’m back, then…”
“Koichi, I might not know all that much about you,” Tsuyoshi said evenly, “but I have learned this much: This said, if I let go of your arm now, the moment you close the door behind you, you’re not coming back again.”
Koichi bit his lip. “I…”




“I’m not going to let that happen,” the other insisted. “Please, Koichi. Please stop avoiding me. Stop avoiding the issue. You know that something’s happening, or else you wouldn’t be panicking.”
“Who’s panicking?” Koichi pouted.
“Oh, you’re not?” Tsuyoshi asked, arching a brow. “Good, let’s talk, then.”
“You need to take a shower,” Koichi tried to distract him.
“I can do that later,” the younger man waved him off.
“Yeah, for you it’s easy to say that,” Koichi complained. “I have to smell you, though.”
“Well, we can talk any time,” Tsuyoshi shrugged, “but I’m not letting you leave this apartment.”
“What – you want to lock me in here?”
“If necessary.”




“That’s ridiculous,” Koichi demanded, trying to shake the other off.
“Koichi…”
As Koichi looked into the other’s eyes he saw many things. Things that confused him, scared him even. But there were also things that made him feel comfortable and at ease – which at the moment fueled his fear again.
“I… Nagase’s waiting,” he mumbled absentmindedly. He was still arguing, even though he didn’t really feel the urge anymore. “I can’t let him down. Koichi neglected him so… what if…?” Finally he trailed off and without ever tearing his eyes from Tsuyoshi’s figure he pulled out his phone. A few seconds later he had his friend on the line.
“Hey, there. Listen, I… something came up. I’m sorry, I can’t come over right now. I’ll bring you up to date later. I’m really sorry. See you.”
With that he simply hung up.




“We should stop doing this to him,” Tsuyoshi mused.
“You wanted to talk,” Koichi pointed out as he stuffed his phone away again. He walked back into the living room and flung himself on the couch. “So, let’s talk,” he dared.
“Okay, let’s talk,” Tsuyoshi nodded, seating himself in the big armchair next to the living room table.
From there they sat in silence, both of them wondering how to start their conversation.
“I’m not gay,” Koichi finally blurted out.
Tsuyoshi blinked at that for a second. Then he simply nodded.
“Okay,” he retorted.
“What do you mean, okay?” Koichi demanded defensively. “I… I kissed you, yeah. I was just… I don’t know. Maybe it was something… I’m not gay,” he finally repeated.
“I never said you were,” the other shrugged.




“But you’re thinking it,” Koichi accused him.
“Why would I judge you?”
“Because…” Koichi bit his lip, then gripped his hair in frustration. “Fuck,” he cursed.
“Because we kissed,” Tsuyoshi analyzed.
“Oh, come on,” Koichi moaned out, rolling his eyes. “Kissed. We did not just kiss. I… I totally don’t know what came over me. Honestly, I really wasn’t myself. I’m not usually like that.”
“Koichi, stop,” Tsuyoshi cut into his monologue. “I understand,” he tried to impress on the other. “I understand you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared,” Koichi denied. “I fuck girls.”




The other merely sighed at that. “I told you before, didn’t I? That there is more than just black and white. I know you don’t understand it. But I am fully okay with you saying that you’re not gay. Even when we… did that.”
“How can you believe that?” Koichi moaned.
“Do you want to know?” Tsuyoshi grinned wickedly. “I’ll tell you. To this day Koichi keeps saying that he’s not gay. It’s not like I care much. He does all the kink in the book, so who am I to complain?” he shrugged. “The thing is, Koichi keeps saying that he can find appeal in all kinds of things. He doesn’t feel gay, so to speak, because to him that means that you like guys only and apparently, that’s not true for him. Maybe… you two share something concerning that?”




Koichi bit his lip, trying to process the new input. He had never thought about such things, least of all concerning himself. But then, there was no denying what he had done – and what he had felt while doing it. That did mean something. To claim anything else would definitely be denial. And denial was stupid. The logics didn’t sound too stupid either. Generally. It still felt weird that it was suddenly about him. Gay or not, guy-on-guy was… different.
“Do you think I… I…?”
“Koichi,” Tsuyoshi chuckled. “I know it’s difficult, okay? And… you should take some time to think about it. I just didn’t want you to avoid me until you get the opportunity to slip back to your own dimension and then do what-not.”
Koichi smiled genuinely at that. “Thank you. I guess you’re right. I should think about all of this and… what I want to do with it. You know, it’s even more complicated than you might think.”




Tsuyoshi blinked. “Huh?”
“We’re not together,” Koichi explained. “Tsuyoshi and I. We’re not even close. But I know that he likes me. I never thought about doing anything. Actually, I’ve kept my distance because of that. There are so many odds. We’re colleagues. What if it doesn’t work out? And then what about… you know…” He sighed. “You might think it’s stupid, but I don’t want people to look at me with disregard because they know I…” He trailed off.
“It’s not stupid,” Tsuyoshi told him. “I have such feelings too.”
Really?” Koichi asked, sounding relieved. “But… what do you do about them?”
“I look at Koichi,” Tsuyoshi explained, “and I just know that half of the guys mouthing off want to do him themselves and the rest of them can go and fuck themselves, because I have a hot guy to share a bed with and he’s amazing in so many ways. He makes me happy, so what do I care about what other people think or say?”




“Is it really that simple?” Koichi asked skeptically.
“Not always maybe,” Tsuyoshi shrugged. “Sometimes it is bothersome. But when I look at it, the advantages definitely out-rule the disadvantages.”
“Do they?” Koichi mused. “I’ll think about that.”
“You should.”
“Okay, is this talk over now?” Koichi whined. “My head’s already spinning.”
“Sure,” Tsuyoshi nodded. “I’m just glad he talked about this.”
“Yeah, I don’t know,” Koichi muttered. “I usually don’t like such confrontation.”
“Really?” Tsuyoshi dragged out amusedly. “Something else you and Koichi have in common. Our first fight was after about five years, I think and it was so bad it almost broke us up.”
“Okay, now I really need…”
“A bath,” Tsuyoshi decided.




The other blinked. “Huh?”
“You should take a bath,” the other repeated. “If you feel more comfortable, I’ll leave.”
“Oh please, don’t be ridiculous.”
“Well, you should relax a bit,” Tsuyoshi insisted.
“It would be nice,” Koichi mused.
“Well, if you don’t want me to leave,” Tsuyoshi grinned, “I can also hop in with you.”
“Woah,” Koichi waved him off, “what ever happened to those shades?”
“Relax,” Tsuyoshi smiled at him, clasping his shoulder. Then he bent down to give Koichi a soft peck to his cheek. “I’ll be cooking,” he declared, leaving the room.
Koichi stared after him, slightly shaken. “Okay…”



_________________________________________________________________________________________



Koichi hadn’t been so nervous in a long time. He and Tsuyoshi were on the way to the place where their current mess had supposedly begun. The other man seemed equally uneasy, fidgeting with his fingers nervously on the seat next to him. It had gotten a rare thing for him to go by metro. And he couldn’t even remember when last he rode it with Tsuyoshi. It felt strangely comforting, though.
“We still have enough time,” Koichi analyzed, trying to fill the silance between them with his voice. “I just hope I can find the right spot.”
“Don’t worry,” Tsuyoshi assured him. “You can do it.”
“Thank you,” Koichi smiled at him. “You know, in case it doesn’t work out…”




“Stop saying something like that,” the younger man cut him off. “It’ll be okay.”
“Right,” Koichi nodded. “Sorry, I’m just… nervous. I don’t think the micro-part of a second ever made that much of a difference to me.”
“I know what you mean,” Tsuyoshi chuckled, but he too sounded nervous. “You know… let’s just do this same as always – to the best of our abilities.”
“Right,” Koichi nodded. “It’ll be okay.”
As they got out of the train and the station, they fell silent again, but that silence wasn’t awkward or uneasy. It was comfortable and they both enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere. It wasn’t a long walk and soon enough Koichi halted.
“This is it,” he announced. “At least I think it is.”



_______________________________________________________________________________________



“So this is the spot,” Tsuyoshi mused.
“Somewhere around here,” Koichi mumbled.
“Oh, come on,” Tsuyoshi moaned, “I mean you’ve got to remember where you switched fucking dimensions.”
“Well, I didn’t exactly feel it happening,” Koichi defended himself. “But I have that intuition. Like right after it happened, I felt a weird sensation.”
“So you did feel it happen,” Tsuyoshi argued.
“No, not like that,” Koichi pouted. “It was more like… I don’t know how to explain it.”
“Try it.”



_______________________________________________________________________________________



“I can’t put my finger on it,” Koichi shrugged. “It just felt a bit off. I think I’ll go through the same pattern with a kind of subconscious memory.”
“Subconscious memory?” Tsuyoshi blinked.
Koichi nodded. “Yeah, you know, I’ll do it right without having to think about it. Like some kind of instinct. It’s only natural that I return to my own world. At least that’s what I think.”



______________________________________________________________________________________



“You think it has something to do with universal order?” Tsuyoshi asked skeptically.
“Quite honestly,” Koichi grinned, “if I didn’t believe in something like that, it would be pointless to even try this. There are a million odds against this working out. Maybe more.”
“Wow, now that’s encouraging,” the other stated sarcastically.
“Don’t worry,” Koichi tried to reassure him, clasping his shoulder. “It’ll work out, you’ll see.”



______________________________________________________________________________________



“I just wish we could do something to make this easier,” Tsuyoshi muttered.
“Tsuyoshi, whichever way this turns out…”



______________________________________________________________________________________



“It’s time,” Tsuyoshi stated. “Thirty seconds.”
“Okay, this is it,” Koichi nodded, straightening himself as he started to walk along the street, trying hard to find just the right timing. “Tsuyoshi,” he called over his shoulder as he stepped forward.”
“Yes?”
“Stay clean.”
Tsuyoshi laughed at that. “Right…”



______________________________________________________________________________________



“You know,” Tsuyoshi complained, “you could have said something sweet, something to remember. You could have said… that you love me.”
Koichi huffed. “Mushy.”
Tsuyoshi snorted at that. “That’s just what Koichi would have said.”
Koichi raised his brow. “Is it?”
Tsuyoshi considered him for a while, then blankly stared at him. “It… is. Koichi, what did you say to me after we first made love?”
The other grinned at him. “I think I’m a bottom.”
Tsuyoshi felt like his heart stopped for a second. Or maybe longer. It was like dying a bit. Or maybe being re-born. Maybe he would simply pass out. He was frozen in place and it was all he could do to remember how to breathe.
“Koichi…”

______________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, that's it for now. I know, it's a cliff-hanger, but it's not a bad one, I think. I hope you liked it. Please look forward to the final chapters. ^__^

Chapter 7

Chapter 9

Comments

[einery-here.livejournal.com]

You made me laugh for minutes with the last one. It's somehow so endearing and so tearing me up at one time. So Koichi-rashii to stubbornly deny anything that can make him uncomfortable and so Tsuyoshi to still yearn for the verbal recognition even if his heart knows everything's all right.
Don't let me die of frustration before you post the next one? ^____^

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Haha, I thought about that last paragraph for a long time. ^^ I'm glad to see that it paid off. ^_^ Yes, finally things might be coming back in order. Who knows what will happen next?

No worries, now that I have everything finished, I'll update regularly again. Even after I finished posting all my stories in here, there was still so much to do about the layout and stuff, so it took me such a long time to finish everything for this and also for the drabble community.

I am so happy that you kept waiting for so long. I will update soonm, I promise. ^_^

Thank you so much for your support! <3 And for reading and for always leaving me lovely comments. \(^o^)/

[margotleclerc.livejournal.com]

You're right, it's not a bad cliff-hanger, but I still can't wait to know what will happen next :D
I like how the kinki from the world where they're together seem stronger and more at peace with themselves, of course being together would give them more strength <3

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

It's exciting, isn't it? Even though the back-transfer was successful, what are they going to do now? Especially !blue Koichi and Tsuyoshi - they are in a pretty difficult situation. @_@

I can't wait to get the final chapters out now.

Thanks so much for reading this and for your comment too!!!
*hugs*