Love Episodes - Episode 25: The Need to Feed

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Rating: PG-15
Disclaimer: Don't own KinKi Kids, or anything JE-related
Warnings: mentions of the word sex, swearing
Multi-Chapter


Intro: I wonder where to put this. Probably it was something recent. 2009, maybe start of 2010. Anyway, Koichi is really busy. It's hard consider other things than work. So, there are a lot of short-comings. No gaming, racing, reading, eating,... Fortunately, someone's always there to watch out.


Note: Okay, I hope you'll like it. I wonder how people will take the Machida story. I never thought he'd get his own story line, let alone something like this. Sorry about the somewhat-clifhanger, but I still have to work this out myself. What will happen after this, I wonder. ^^"

“Ne, Koichi-kun,” Nakai called out as he walked into the dressing room.

Koichi jumped at the intrusion, fumbling around in his locker, then reluctantly turned around, looking like a dog who got caught stealing from its master’s plate.

“Hm?” he asked, raising his brows.

Nakai knitted his own brows as he inspected Koichi more closely.

“Ano… are you okay?” he asked sceptically.

“Mh,” Koichi made, nodding and trying to look cheerful.

 

“Well, the staff said they want to have another go with the lighting for the second part,” Nakai explained, pointing over his shoulder. “They’re asking for you.”

“Mhm,” Koichi hummed out, giving him a thumbs-up.

Nakai sighed. “Koichi-kun,” he dragged out.

The younger man cleared his throat. “Yes?”

“What is this?” Nakai asked in a demanding voice.

“What is what?” Koichi tried weakly.

 

The other man gave him a meaningful look. Koichi found that kind of look still worked, probably always would, because senpai is senpai, whether he was 14 or 30. He sighed and wordlessly pointed at his locker. Nakai looked at him with a quizzical expression on his face, but advanced the small locker and opened it. His eyes flew open at the sight of the contents.

“What is this?” he asked, holding up an open and half-finished nutrition bar.

Koichi gulped. “Well,” he mumbled out, “I… people keep saying I don’t really eat enough. But I don’t have the time, so…”

“Koichi, there’s five of these,” Nakai stated calmly, but was actually panicking a bit. “Have you eaten all of them today?”

 

Koichi just shrugged helplessly.

“Are you mad?!” the older man yelled out. “That could deal serious damage to your liver!”

Koichi looked a bit abashed at that. He bit his lip, looking guilty.

“Well, I…” he stuttered silently.

“What?” Nakai asked once again, trying to sound sympathetic.

“I didn’t know what to do… I had to do something quickly and… shit!” he cursed, gripping his hair in desperation.

“Koichi, what happened?” Nakai urged him.

 

The younger man sighed. “I… there was so much to do. I didn’t even…” he just shook his head.

With a determined look on his face Nakai sat his incoherent kouhai down on an armchair, seating himself opposite him.

“Koichi, tell me what’s wrong. It’s okay,” he assured. “It’s only the two of us here. No matter what, I’ll try to help. I won’t judge you and I won’t report you, okay? But you’re scaring me here, so please, just spill it out already.”

Koichi sighed, smiling thankfully, even as his eyes were shining suspiciously.

“I’m sorry,” he croaked out. “Even now I’m still worrying you.”

“I’m always here for you,” the older man assured him. “Now tell me everything.”

 

Koichi thought on that for a second, then looked at his senpai guiltily again.

“I guess,” he mumbled out, “it all started when I skipped my regular check-up.”

“Why did you?”

“I… I don’t even remember anymore. Shooting, interview, rehearsal, recording… any of the above, I really don’t remember.”

“Okay, so you were busy,” Nakai analysed.

The younger man simply nodded.

“And then?”

Koichi shrugged. “Well… I don’t really know. It just… kind of happened.”

 

“Koichi,” Nakai said a bit exasperatedly, “stop giving me hints and hand me some real information.”

“Okay,” Koichi nodded. “Well, at a certain point I noticed… how my pants didn’t really fit anymore. I hurt easily when sitting for a longer time and some time into that I thought that maybe I should check…”

“Your weight,” Nakai supposed.

The younger man merely nodded.

Nakai sighed, looking at Koichi. “How much?” he asked simply.

 

A pained expression came to Koichi’s face.

“Come on,” the older man urged him. “You’ve come this far, now just tell me.”

“47,” Koichi breathed out.

Nakai’s eyes grew wide in disbelief. “47 kg?” he asked in shock. “47?!?!?!”

Koichi just sunk his head. “I’m sorry.”

“That must be under your minimum-weight,” the older man analysed.

“Minimum’s 50,” Koichi told him without drive.

“So, you’re underweight,” Nakai sighed out. “You know that this line really is a limit. There can be more health issues.”

“I know,” Koichi bit out. “That’s why,” he explained, pointing at the bar.

 

“Do you think that will solve the problem?” Nakai asked.

“It will, ultimately,” Koichi defended his tactics.

“But… that’s not the way to do it,” the older man opposed.

“Of course not,” Koichi nodded, “but right now I have to gain weight quickly. I’ll pay more attention, I promise.”

“I wish I could trust those words,” Nakai smiled sadly. “With you it’s really so long as there isn’t a problem, you won’t think about any consequences.”

“Gomen ne,” Koichi murmured, mirroring Nakai’s expression.

 

“Have you gained anything yet?” Nakai wanted to know.

“I haven’t checked today,” Koichi explained. “I always do that when I get home.”

“So nobody will notice,” the older man analysed.

Koichi nodded silently.

“Okay,” Nakai nodded. “Then we’ll check tonight.”

Koichi blinked at him. “Eh?”

“I’ll take you back home tonight,” Nakai explained, “and then we’ll check together.”

 

“Nakai-kun,” Koichi laughed a bit, “I’ve got my own car today.”

“Well, you give me a ride, then,” Nakai decided, “since I don’t take my car to work.”

“Really?” Koichi asked, surprised. “But then, how did you mean to take me home?”

“Taxi,” Nakai explained. “But this will work nicely. And I won’t hear another word about this. It’s settled.”

“Okay,” Koichi agreed.

“Get out now,” the older man ordered. “They’re waiting for you.”

 

Koichi nodded and made to leave, then halted in the door, turning around once more.

“Ne, Nakai-kun,” he asked timidly.

“Hm?”

“Please, don’t tell Tsuyoshi about this.” He saw that Nakai wanted to oppose, but cut right in and continued. “Please,” he said more urgently. “He’s always more worried than is good for him and I… I fucked up, but it’s nothing serious and for him it’ll be unnecessary aggravation. So, please.”

Nakai considered him for another moment, then sighed and nodded at him.

“Okay,” he stated, but quickly added, “for now. Let’s wait for tonight’s result.”

Koichi nodded thankfully and finally ran off.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

Koichi sighed in relief. He didn’t even notice that Nakai did the same, right next to him.

“49,” Nakai sighed once more.

“That’s good,” Koichi smiled. “2 kg in 3 days.”

“Well, that’s not exactly healthy either,” Nakai reminded him.

“I know, I know,” Koichi waved him off. “Really, I’ve learnt my lesson.”

“I wonder…”

“I’ll try to do better,” Koichi offered.

 

“Well, then,” Nakai mused, “you can start with gaining at least another 5 in a better way.”

Koichi’s eyes grew wide. “Another 5?!”

“That’s still very little,” Nakai told him. “54 is okay, but still not much.”

Koichi sighed. “I guess you’re right.” He nodded, looking determined. “Okay, 5 more.”

“Good, I’ll help you.”

“Thank you, Nakai-kun,” Koichi smiled.

“Not a problem.”

 

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________

Koichi blinked in surprise as he spotted Tsuyoshi sitting in the common room that he shared with MA. Then he grinned happily.

“Aw, you came to see me,” he chirped happily, flinging himself at his lover so forcefully Pan jumped from the sofa in surprise.

However, when Koichi wanted to kiss his partner, Tsuyoshi avoided him. Koichi blinked.

“What?” he asked.

Tsuyoshi let go of him and wordlessly held up the wrapping of a nutrition bar. Koichi’s eyes grew wide. As the other let the paper drop to show him a belt into which he had forced an additional hole so he could still fix it around his waist, Koichi bit his lip.

 

“I’m sorry,” Machida mumbled out, stepping forward. “I didn’t mean to… but the door of your locker seems to be broken. It opened and I saw…”

Koichi sighed, shaking his head.

“I almost had a heart attack,” Machida demanded. “I didn’t know what to do, so I called Tsuyoshi.”

“There’s no need to apologise,” Tsuyoshi told him. “It’s Koichi’s fault in every aspect.”

“It is,” Koichi admitted silently. “I’m sorry.”

 

“How bad is it?” Tsuyoshi asked immediately, not even considering his lover’s apology.

“Not bad,” Koichi assured him. “That’s why I really thought it would be pointless to tell you, because you’d be worried over nothing.”

“Over nothing?” Tsuyoshi demanded.

“Nothing much,” Koichi corrected himself desperately. “Listen, it’s really… it wasn’t even all that… well, it was… not healthy. I’ll admit that. I know that too. But it was not really dangerous and now it’s much better again.”

“How can it be much better if it wasn’t so serious in the first place?” Tsuyoshi asked pointedly.

 

“Don’t try to take me apart with rhetorics,” Koichi complained. “You know I suck with that.”

“How much now?” Tsuyoshi asked.

“Well,” Koichi mused. “It was 49 last night. And then Nakai-kun ordered pizza before he left, so maybe 50 already.”

“You were below 49?” Tsuyoshi asked in disbelief. “How can something like that even happen? What did you do? Didn’t it show?”

“Show?”

“Well, in your check-up,” Tsuyoshi explained.

 

Koichi gulped at that.

“What?” the younger man asked suspiciously.

“P-please, don’t get mad,” Koichi pleaded desperately.

“What did you do?”

Koichi noted the even tone in his lover’s voice that meant he was seriously pissed, because he already knew what had happened, but he’d let Koichi spell it out, as a sort of pre-punishment.

“I… I skipped it,” Koichi admitted.

“You skipped your check-up,” Tsuyoshi repeated, sounding fake-casual. “Well, why not? It’s not like you’ve ever had problems with this. And being on tour doesn’t affect you in any way concerning that.”

 

Koichi sighed. “I know. It was stupid. I’ll never do it again,” he assured.

“Why did you keep it from me?” Tsuyoshi wanted to know.

“I told you,” Koichi explained, “I didn’t want you to be worried. There was no reason. It was all… well, it’s okay. Had there been any good reason too, I would have called and told you. But I had support too. Nakai-kun…”

“You told him, but not me?” Tsuyoshi cut him off.

“What?” Koichi blinked. Then he shook his head. “No, he walked in on me… when I gulped down one of those,” he said, pointing at the bar wrapping.

 

Tsuyoshi smiled vaguely. “I’ll remember that secrets don’t really go together with you.”

Koichi stuck out his tongue. “What can I do if people keep fumbling in my private stuff?”

“You had better be happy you’re so lucky that there are people who love you enough to do such things,” Tsuyoshi told him.

Koichi shrank a bit at the harsh tone, but nodded.

“Okay,” Tsuyoshi sighed out. “There are two things about this you need to know. First, if this happens again, Johnny will hear about it and I’ll have some of your solo activities suspended. Second, I think I wasn’t so mad at you since 06, so keep your distance for a while.”

 

Koichi stared at his partner in total disbelief. “B-but…”

“I’m not discussing this,” Tsuyoshi cut him off. “I merely wanted you to be aware.”

Koichi bit his lip, nodding, as he tried to hold back tears.

The younger man sighed. “I wish I could stay, but… well, it’s impossible. I shouldn’t even be here, but I had to come. Be careful. And tell Nakai-kun thanks from me for taking care of you yet again.”

Another nod.

“See you back home,” Tsuyoshi said, waving shortly before he left the room.

 

As soon as he was gone Koichi began to sob.

Machida bit his lip. “I’m sorry, Koichi. I was really so worried…”

He knew it was totally ridiculous, but he was so mad at Machida for doing this to him. He knew, of course, that he had brought it all upon himself, but in that situation he just had to shout out his frustration.

“Worried?!” he demanded around tears. “Fuck worried! And if you were so worried, why didn’t you do something yourself. You were here, you saw. Why on earth did you call Tsuyoshi?!”

 

“He’s your… support,” Machida mumbled out silently.

“Since when do you care about that?!” Koichi spat at him. “You were just scared like shit. I never thought you’d be such a coward. You’ve wanted to fuck me for years, but when things become a bit uneasy, you call upon Tsuyoshi to solve the problem. That is so low!”

Machida stared at Koichi in utter shock and as soon as the words had left Koichi’s mouth he regretted them. They had never verbally confirmed it, but they had a kind of agreement to never touch that issue.

 

Koichi bit his lip. “Shit… Ma-kun, I’m sorry,” he tried, but as soon as he had opened his mouth Machida broke out of his freeze and dashed off and out the door.

Koichi cowered down on the floor, hands in his hair.

“Fuck.”

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

“You can say that again,” Nagase sighed into the phone.

“What do I do now?” Koichi whined. “Tsuyoshi doesn’t talk to me and Ma-kun… well, he doesn’t talk to me either, if for a different reason. The tour is really in danger, I’m telling you.”

“Mah, no such thing,” Nagase assured him. “Machida is a highly professional guy. No matter what, he’ll be on stage.”

Koichi sighed again. “This was never supposed to be discussed. It worked. Pretty well, actually.”

“Well, I doubt that, considering his reaction,” Nagase analysed.

 

“So, what now?”

“You know what,” Nagase said sternly. “You started the issue, so now you have to discuss it properly. You’ve got to finish what you started.”

“No,” Koichi opposed. “There’s no way I can do that. Plus, what if Tsuyoshi notices again? I mean, I don’t doubt he trusts me, but in the current situation…”

“Never worry about Tsuyoshi here,” Nagase told him. “He’s neither stupid, nor blind. And he tends to be possessive in the first place. I’d be very surprised if he didn’t know.”

Koichi considered that for a while. “Well… maybe,” he concluded. “But with Ma-kun…”

 

“You can do it,” Nagase assured him.

Koichi sighed.

“I know. Tough shit. Ganbatte, ne.”

“Hai,” Koichi answered without drive.

“Just talk to him openly. It’ll be okay. There’s no avoiding it now, so just get it over with. Just… do it.”

 

“This is not the time for this kind of joke,” Koichi complained.

“Just wanted to check,” Nagase retorted and that actually earned him a soft chuckle.

“Thank you,” Koichi said, sounding a bit more hopeful.

“Any time. You go.”

“Alright. See you.”

“Ja.”

 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________

Machida stiffened visibly when Koichi came into his dressing room, not even bothering to knock.

“Sorry,” Koichi mumbled out. “I just thought here would be… well… can we talk?”

Machida sighed, sitting down. “I don’t really want to,” he admitted.

“Neither do I,” Koichi told him.

A small, if sad smile came to Machida’s lips. “It’s been forever.”

Koichi nodded, shifting slightly. That was when Machida jumped a bit as though he’d just remembered something and offered Koichi a seat. The older boy sat down, looking at the other.

 

“I…” Koichi began, “I’m sorry about what I said. That was… more than just inappropriate.”

Machida just shook his head. “It’s my fault too. We should have… I should have talked to you about this before.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

“Because…” Machida gulped. “Because you would reject me.”

“But… you don’t have me now, so…”

“That’s not it,” Machida explained. “Getting rejected… ends everything. There’s no room for… well, anything anymore. Once you reject me, it’s all over. So long as you don’t… well, so long you won’t have rejected me.”

 

“I see,” Koichi sighed. “Is that really better?”

“Probably not,” Machida shrugged. “But for me it’s the only thing to hold onto. You have no idea,” he sighed. “I… I’m sorry for speaking so openly, but all my sexual fantasies are about you. I… can’t even get myself to be interested in any other person. I just want you… so bad…”

Koichi stared at him. “So, you’ve never been in a relationship since…?”

“Not really,” the other admitted. “I mean, I have sex sometimes, but that’s just a vague distraction. I come and that’s about it.”

 

Koichi simply kept starring.

“Do you think I’m sick?” Machida asked.

“Probably,” Koichi answered honestly.

Machida sighed. “Probably, yes,” he said chuckling a bit. “There it is, finally. I’ve had these thoughts for a while now, but… even if it’s one-sided, it’s really the only thing I know and I don’t want to lose it.”

“I’m sorry,” Koichi whispered.

The younger man shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I guess it’s about time. If you will let me.”

Koichi smiled vaguely. “Of course.”

 

“Okay,” Machida said determinedly, bracing himself. “Koichi-kun…” he looked firmly at the other and Koichi had the feeling that he had to scream with the pain in the other’s eyes. “I love you so much,” Machida finally admitted, “to the point where I think I’m obsessed with you. I love you so bad, I want you to be mine. I know Tsuyoshi’s a nice guy, but I wish you could love me as you love him.”

 

“Ma-kun, I… Thank you for being honest,” Koichi began. “I… I cannot say I understand your feelings. I never got rejected myself. Well, I did once, but in the end he chose me, after all. So, I cannot contemplate – and I’m really sorry, I mean, I love you dearly. I’m just not in love with you,” he said apologetically.

“I know,” Machida whispered out, trying to hold back tears, but failing. “Sorry,” he mumbled, wiping the offending drops away.

“It’s okay,” Koichi assured him.

 

He battled with himself, pondering whether it would be a very good idea to go over and comfort Machida as he usually would. In the end he decided that the damage was done and that Machida might like being close, if only like this and only for a little. So, he got up and sat down next to Machida, putting his arms around him. He hadn’t even sat down properly when Machida clung to him like mad, sobbing into his shoulder. He kept repeating words of apology and Koichi assured him again and again that it was okay and that he was sorry that he made him suffer like that. In the end Koichi didn’t even know how long they had been sitting there together, but once they pulled apart and Koichi made to leave the air was suddenly a lot lighter again.

 

“Koichi,” Machida called him back as Koichi made to leave.

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry… for calling Tsuyoshi,” he said silently. “I should have talked to you first. You were right, I was scared and…”

“And you called the person you knew would be able to help me,” Koichi said with a smile. “You are… a very good friend. Even though you felt this way you wanted to do what you thought was best for me. Thank you.”

 

Machida nodded at him. “Ano…”

“What more?”

“Can you… Do you think you can give me the number of Tsuyoshi’s therapist?”

Koichi blinked at the request.

Machida laughed nervously. “Well, I thought it might help.”

“Of course,” Koichi nodded. “I’ll text it to you as soon as I get hold of my phone.”

“Thank you,” Machida said, smiling.

Koichi smiled back before he opened the door to leave.

 

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Ohaaaaaa-yoooooooooo,” Koichi sang out happily as he came into the rehearsal studio. Then he blinked. “Eh? Nobody here yet?”

“Ah, Koichi,” Machida called out, waving. “Good morning. Yone just called, he and Yaracchi are gonna be late. There was an accident somewhere along the way and they’re stuck.”

“Okay,” Koichi sighed. Then he shrugged. “Well, doesn’t mean we can’t start stretching, ne?” he stated, a bright smile on his face.

Machida nodded back merrily.

 

“Ano…” Koichi called out.

“Hai?”

“How… are you doing?” Koichi asked timidly.

Machida blinked at him for a few seconds, then smiled again. “Perfectly fine. Your smile always brightens my day.”

Koichi blinked at that.

 

The other boy laughed at that. “Sorry,” he said, waving Koichi off. “It’s a therapy thing. You can tell me if you mind. But the doctor said to voice my thoughts and feelings openly. This way I’ll know them better and can filter them and learn to express them and hopefully one day I can direct them at someone who will return them.”

Koichi sighed in mock-annoyance. “I’m really stuck with a pack of loonies.”

“Said the games-geek,” Machida teased.

“You could play with us too,” Koichi suggested. “Yo-kun could do with some help, I always finish him off easily.”

 

“Aw, now you’re boasting,” Machida stated.

“Play and find out,” Koichi teased.

“Ohayo,” Yara called out as he and Yonehana came rushing in. “Gomen ne, we got stuck.” Then he blinked. “Eh? You’re not stretching already?”

Yonehana grinned. “What have you guys been up to?” he teased, winking.

“Nothing kids such as yourselves should be involved in,” Machida stated casually, throwing an arm around Koichi’s shoulders.

The older man blinked for a second, then grinned too and playfully shoved the other away.

“Stop fooling around already,” he demanded. “Get started.”

“It’s only because you still love Aki more,” Machida pouted.

“And always will,” Koichi teased. “Okay, now let’s get going.”

 

 ___________________________________________________________________________________________________

I only just realised that I haven’t solved the KinKi Kids problem yet. The Machida issue came up completely out of the blue. I never had that kind of connection before and usually I don’t write additional characters as gay. This just hit me in a flash and then it was on screen and now it’s here. Poor Machida-kun. I feel very sorry for him. But here I find that writing is such a good way of expressing your own feelings. Okay, I’m saying too much. >_<  Anyway, it felt like the chapter is over here, so the KinKi Kids make-up will have to wait until the next chapter. But that’ll be up soon.