Love Episodes - Episode 13: 5x9=63 ?

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Don't own KinKi Kids, or anything JE-related
Warnings: swearing, mentioning of sex, angsty (I don't knwo how else to put it, sorry)
Multi-Chapter


Introduction: This is set in 2006, after Koichi's Mirror tour. Something really bad happens during that tour and Koichi makes a huge mistake that might well have his world turned completely upside down. What will Tsuyoshi do now?


Notes: Ah, I simply cannot finish the "font de anniversary" story line satosfactorily yet. At the same time I already have numberous ideas for other stories. So, I've decided to skip that one for now and move directly to the mirror story. Personally, I like it and I enjoyed writing it. Even though it has a very delicate issue in it, I think it adds nicely into the course of happenings. Hope you'll like it, despite the uneasy-ness.

Koichi moaned in a pained voice as he woke up. His head felt like it had swelled to twice its size. He held it with both hands, shifting in hopes that a new position would ease the pain, but it didn’t really do the trick. If anything, now it also felt like the room was spinning.

 

What the fuck?!

 

Carefully Koichi tried to crack his eyes open, but the light was so blinding he immediately closed them again with a grossed-out sound.

 

Okay, now let’s try and recollect. Last night was the last show. Right. We did okay, it was good fun, after all. Then? Ano… We went out with everybody. Ah, shit I must have gotten so pissed someone had to take me home. Guess I owe that somebody a drink. Or maybe, rather a coffee. Shit, my head feels like it’s gonna explode. … Painkillers.

 

Even with the prospect of easing the pain it took Koichi another five minutes to gather the will to force himself to open his eyes again and pull himself into a sitting position. He yawned long and good, trying to stretch a little, but then he hurt again and decided to get up. It wasn’t just his head, but his entire body that felt… a bit sore. Well, two shows going full out would show some effect, even on him. As he took in his surroundings more clearly, he blinked.

 

What?!

 

Then he frowned as he gazed through the room some more.

 

Eh?

 

Then he froze as he felt something shift next to him. An icy shiver ran down his spine as he looked in the according direction and found…

 

His pain was immediately forgotten as the reality of his current situation seeped into his mind. He was in a random hotel room he had never seen before. There were three wrappings for condoms lying randomly on the floor. Next to him in this unfamiliar bed lay a guy that he thought he remembered was their lighting engineer for the tour, but he wasn’t all the way sure about it. Koichi squeezed his eyes shut in desperation.

 

Fuck.

 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

The room was dark when Tsuyoshi walked through to make his way towards his kitchen, which was to be expected, seeing how he’d been living alone for the past 6 weeks. All the more it made him jump when he realized a human form cowering on the sofa.

“WAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Tsuyoshi yelled out, jumping back and going immediately for the light switch.

As the lights went on Tsuyoshi saw the frame of his lover shifting uncomfortably, blinking his eyes against the blinding sensation.

 

“Ah,” Koichi complained half-heartedly, “can’t you leave it off?”

“Well, I’d like to see you since you’re here,” Tsuyoshi explained. Then he blinked at the other man. “Why are you here anyway? You said you have your finishing analysis today.”

“I lied,” Koichi admitted silently, shaking his head.

Tsuyoshi blinked again. “Okay, so you took your day off, or something? Don’t tell me you went shopping down town. We agreed to stock up our savings.”

 

Koichi just kept shaking his head.

Tsuyoshi sighed. “Well, if it’s that important to you. You’ve had it rough lately, so…”

“I DIDN’T go shopping,” Koichi blurted out, his voice hoarse as he’d started crying. “That’s not what I meant. I meant, I….” he sighed again, sniffing once. “I lied to you.”

 

At that Tsuyoshi stiffened. Koichi was not the kind of person to readily break down over immaterial issues. He took in the shaking form of his lover for a while, then heaved a sigh and went to sit beside Koichi on the couch. He noticed how the other boy stiffened at the shift of his weight, barely containing a reflex to move away. Tsuyoshi fell back against the back of the couch.

 

“Okay, what is it?” the younger man asked.

“I…” Koichi began, but then shook his head again. “I can’t say.”

Tsuyoshi sighed. “It’s alright, tell me,” he offered, his voice slightly pressed.

“You don’t want to hear it,” Koichi told him.

“But I’ll have to anyway, ne?” Tsuyoshi analysed, surprised with his own calm. “So get it over with. You’re just making it worse. And I won’t start guessing.”

 

A short pause in which Koichi went completely motionless. Then the younger boy gave a confirming nod.

“Right,” he said. “I’m sorry, I….”

“You’re messing up the order, Koichi. First you say what you did, then you apologize,” Tsuyoshi told him, preveniently adding to the other’s unease.

Koichi sighed again. Then he just blurted out. “Right, sorry. I’m no good at this. I’m never good with words. I’m no good at all. I’m no good. I’m scum. I’m despicable. I slept with someone else.” Then he burst into sobs again.

 

Tsuyoshi sank deeper into the couch. From the whole scenery and Koichi’s behaviour he had guessed something of that sort, but hearing his lover say that stung more than he had expected. He just kept sitting there for a while, not moving or saying anything. Koichi too neither shifted nor raised his voice for further apologies. After a while the older boy raised his head though, glimpsing in Tsuyoshi’s direction.

 

“What do we do now?” he asked, voice sounding broken.

Tsuyoshi found that the way how Koichi sounded hurt made him even madder than the message he had just received. How dared that boy imply he was suffering?!

“I don’t know,” Tsuyoshi replied as evenly as he could.

Koichi simply nodded. “Do you want to know anything? When? Why? Who?” he offered warily.

 

Tsuyoshi blinked at that, actually thankful for being given that choice. He shook his head.

“No,” he said firmly. “I really don’t care about any of that. I can’t hear that now.”

“Okay,” Koichi muttered. “So, shall I go now?” he asked warily. “Or do you want to?”

Tsuyoshi just waved him off. “You go.”

“Right,” Koichi said, basically jumping up from the sofa and preparing to make a run for it. “I’ll be at Nagase’s,” he told the other, who just nodded indistinctively. “If there’s anything…” he broke off.

 

“Just go already,” Tsuyoshi told him. “I’ll call you.”

“Mh,” Koichi made, nodding once more, then headed out the door.

As soon as the older KinKi Kid had reached the front door and was back out on the street he pulled out his cell, dialling.

“Nagase?” he asked, heaving. “Yeah, hi. Listen, I…. I need you to pick me up at my apartment. I’m sorry, I don’t have money for a cab and my legs are shaking so bad I’m afraid they might give out, so please come and get me.”

With that he just hung up.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Nagase stared at Koichi in disbelief. “You had a drunk fuck?”

“Do you have to make it sound so dirty?” Koichi complained. “I’m really feeling shity enough.”

 

“Well, how do you think Tsuyoshi-kun feels right now?” Nagase demanded.

“I know that,” Koichi shot back. “I know. I know I fucked up. I just don’t know what to do with it. I can’t undo it, but already I regret it with a passion that’s burning me. But all I can do is say that I’m sorry and that sounds so inappropriate I feel it’s ridiculous. It’s like apologizing for killing someone’s pet, or for ruining someone’s career. That is nothing you can do.”

Koichi paused there, looking at Nagase. “Do you think he can ever forgive me?”

 

“I… don’t know,” Nagase admitted.

“Would you?” Koichi kept insisting.

Nagase sighed. “Look, I’m not him, so it’s quite likely I won’t answer the same as him. And clearly, he won’t forgive you tomorrow. You cannot be demanding in your position. And you cannot impress on him so much how you feel rotten. You should put him first and not insist on how you’re sorry, but show him that you understand HIS suffering and torment. This is nothing he wants to share with you, so leave him.”

 

Koichi blinked. “Whoa, I think I just talked to `Savant Nagase´ again.”

Nagase glared at him. “What on earth is that supposed to mean?”

“Just that sometimes you say the most profound things totally out of the blue and they just blow you away,” Koichi explained. “I think you’re absolutely right. I cannot burden him now with my regrets, I have to deal with this on my own and let him deal with how I hurt him on his own.” Koichi sighed. “This already feels like a severe punishment.”

“You’ll see it through,” Nagase told him. “I’ll be here with you and listen to your ranting as long as you want me to.”

“Arigato,” Koichi said, smiling slightly. “Just tell me, do you think you could forgive a person who cheated on you?”

 

Nagase thought on that for a while. Then he faced Koichi again, a stern look on his face. “I guess I could forgive a person I love. The problem is, I don’t know whether I could find my trust in them again. That might be bothering me. You know, I might keep wondering what they’re up to when they cancel a date, or stay out late.”

Koichi nodded at that. Then he sank his head. “He hates me now!”

 

“He doesn’t hate you,” Nagase insisted. “He loves you with an intensity that scares me sometimes. Give him some time.”

Koichi nodded silently, not lifting his lead.

“Want some more tea?” Nagase asked affectionately.

Another nod. Nagase smiled and got up to make some more tea. Koichi pulled out his cell phone, opening it and scrolling to Tsuyoshi’s number. He kept starring at it for a while, then let his hand fall against his forehead, unable to stop newly rising sobs.

 

__________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Say something,” Tsuyoshi demanded, sounding flat.

“I don’t know what to say,” Okada told him helplessly.

“Anything,” Tsuyoshi said.

“Diss him.”

Tsuyoshi actually snorted at that.

“What, you mean you won’t?” Okada asked, sounding baffled.

“What, diss him?” Tsuyoshi asked sarcastically.

“He cheated on you,” Okada demanded harshly.

“So he did,” Tsuyoshi nodded.

“And you won’t tell him to go to hell?”

 

“It’s not that simple,” Tsuyoshi sighed.

“How could it be any more simple?!” Okada raged out. “It’s totally clear. He cheated on you. He admitted to it. It would be different if someone had punched his drink, or something. But he did it on his own accord. He decided to it and he knew what he was doing.”

“I don’t even know the story to it,” Tsuyoshi told him. “I told him I didn’t want to hear.”

“Well, if it had been anything like that, he would have said `I got raped´ or something and not `I slept with someone else´,” Okada reasoned. “He sure knew what he was doing.”

 

“So he made a mistake,” Tsuyoshi analysed.

“That’s not just a simple mistake we’re talking about here,” Okada interrupted him again.

At that Tsuyoshi burst out. “Yes, well, the problem is, he doesn’t live with just a simple man. I’ve been troubling him so much over these many years. He’s often been so worried, he’s helped me go through hell and back and he always kept his love for me, never looking down on me or feeling how I’m just a pitiful guy who needs attending. Where others simply took me by the hand, taking lead, he stood by my side giving me the strength to find my own way. He keeps challenging me as much as he makes me happy and we’ve had 9 wonderful years together thus far. Can all of that be undone by the single slip of one thoughtless stupid decision?”

 

Okada smiled at him. “So this is how you feel.”

Tsuyoshi blinked at him. “Well….”

“See, I was hoping I’d get an emotional reaction. If I just kept trying to soothe such things into you, I’d still not know how you really felt about it and it wouldn’t go anywhere. So, there you go.”

“How can you be sneaky in a situation like this?” Tsuyoshi asked in disbelief.

“But we’ve learned something important,” Okada told him.

“I love him,” Tsuyoshi confirmed. “But what do I do with that feeling?”

 

“That,” Okada smiled, “is something I can’t help you with, sorry. But I think you guys will be able to work this out. It’s like you can take any obstacle, really. I’ve always felt like that.”

“Thanks,” Tsuyoshi answered, smiling. “But right now I don’t think I can see him.”

“Well, you don’t have to make up tomorrow,” Okada offered. “Take your time thinking about this and how you want to deal with it. Then go and discuss your thoughts with him. Don’t rush it, though.”

“He won’t wait,” Tsuyoshi opposed.

“He’ll have to,” Okada explained plainly. “And if he really does love you, he will too.”

At that Tsuyoshi nodded, smiling again.

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, first part is done. Poor Tsuyoshi. I feel really bad for him. As for Koichi... I don't know, he might jsut be enough of an air-head to actually ahve something like this happen to him. I don't mean to judge, it was just an idea. Well, it's tough, that one. How will they solve it?

PS: I simply LOVE Okada here. ^_^