Love Episodes - Episode 10: Help Me

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Rating: PG-15
Disclaimer: Don't own KinKi Kids, or anything JE-related
Warnings: dark, swearing, suicide attempt
Multi-Chapter


Introduction: Scene takes place around May 2003. Tsuyoshi breaks down during concert and ha to go to hospital. Koichi is totally taken aback when he learns that Tsuyoshi suffers from an incurable illness.


Note: My explanations are based on a mix of what I've read on the net and my imagination. Who knows what's really going on backstage and stuff? Well, here's one of a million possible scenes. ^^

“Tsuyoshi!!!!” Koichi yelled out in horror. “Tsuyoshi, can you hear me?”

His entire surroundings blurred into a mere fantasy as he shook the unconscious boy. A few staff members rushed onto the stage with water and towels.

“Call an ambulance,” Koichi shouted desperately. “And get him off stage.”

Once the big rumble was gone Koichi realised that he was still standing on stage. He felt like fainting too. What was he supposed to do now? Fortunately he felt a hand touch his shoulder lightly. As he turned around he saw Julie standing there, trying to smile reassuringly.

 

“I’ll handle this, Koichi-kun,” she said kindly. “Go, check on him.”

Koichi nodded at her thankfully and rushed off the stage. As he looked around to see where Tsuyoshi had been taken he could hear the woman talking on stage.

“I’m very sorry, everyone, but I’m afraid we’ll have to cancel this concert. Tsuyoshi-kun got too sick and he cannot continue. Please understand the severe circumstances and we’ll make sure to re-schedule and give all of you…”

 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Hyper-what?!” Koichi asked in disbelief.

“Hyperventilation,” the doctor explained. “Apparently Tsuyoshi has suffered from some kind of distressful situation. That might cause this sort of thing.”

“But we’ve been on stage for years,” Koichi tried to argue. “Constantly.”

“Well, promoting the feeling of unease will certainly not help the situation,” the doctor said pointedly. “What’s more, Tsuyoshi-kun seems to have rather low-functioning lungs to begin with.”

 

Koichi just blankly stared into nothing, trying to process what he’d just been told. The doctor took his silence as an opportunity to address Tsuyoshi.

“Tsuyoshi-kun,” he said firmly. “You must have known about this.”

At that Koichi’s head flew to his partner.

“You must have had symptoms before,” the doctor insisted. “Like being short-breathed during exercises, or something.”

 

Tsuyoshi nodded agitatedly.

“What – you knew you were sick?” Koichi asked in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What’s the point?” Tsuyoshi asked irritably.

“Well, maybe we could get you meds and…” Koichi started, but got interrupted.

“I already get meds,” Tsuyoshi shot bitingly at him. “Okay? I’ve been given just about everything in the book.”

“That just might be about true,” the doctor said. “Say, Tsuyoshi-kun, how often have you changed your medication by now?”

 

“What does it matter?” Tsuyoshi demanded. “Nothing works. I can’t be cured.”

“Your case seems indeed to be difficult. I still can’t help wondering… Your blood test showed very troublesome results.”

“What do you mean?” Koichi asked in a scared voice.

“Well,” the doctor mused. “It seems like Tsuyoshi-kun hasn’t been changing medicine, but adding things together in order to make them work.”

 

Koichi’s eyes went wide. “What…” he breathed out.

“Tsuyoshi-kun?” the doctor asked, looking firmly at the boy.

Tsuyoshi just sat there, saying nothing.

The doctor sighed. “Okay, just tell me this, then. How many different doctors have you seen during the last year?”

Tsuyoshi still kept silent and Koichi already felt a strong urge to rattle the information out of him, but then the younger boy finally spoke up. “Five or six,” he stated silently.

Koichi looked at his partner in disbelief.

 

“And you’ve taken everything you’ve been given?” the doctor continued.

“Not at the same time,” Tsuyoshi said flatly. “I kept mixing things, trying to find a combination that would show some effect. But nothing ever did.” His eyes shone with tears.

“So,” Koichi spoke up again, sounding choked as well, “you kept this problem from me. That you have trouble breathing when you’re exhausting yourself. And instead of talking to me you kept taking drugs, which you also kept from me.”

 

“There’s no point talking about it,” Tsuyoshi spat at him. “You couldn’t help me anyway and it’s bad enough if one of us is wasted.”

“What are you talking about?” Koichi demanded, getting angry. “How can you lie to me like that? I thought we were partners and here you go doing such things. What about us?”

“Nothing about `us´!” Tsuyoshi yelled at him. “What are you gonna do now, huh? I’m basically a crip. What – you want to take care of me? Do you think I want that?”

“What are you talking about?” Koichi demanded again.

 

“You don’t get it,” Tsuyoshi shouted, jumping up suddenly. “I can’t continue working. Apparently, I can’t. I’m through. We’re through. Do you think you could still love someone who ruined your career? Do you think we could be together without the cover and support of the Jimusho? It’s over, Koichi. Everything ends here.”

That said Tsuyoshi turned around and fled the room.

“Tsuyoshi,” Koichi called out, immediately wanting to go after the other, worried that he might break down again, but the doctor held him back.

 

“He’ll be okay for now,” he told Koichi. “I gave him a stabilizer and some oxygen before.”

Koichi stopped fighting the hold on his arm and went completely lax, breaking down onto the floor. His entire body started to shake and sobs suddenly shook it violently. The doctor knelt down next to him on the floor and tried to help him back up.

“Listen, Koichi-kun,” he said intensely. “This is bad, yes. But it does not mean the end of everything. Tsuyoshi-kun might not see a perspective now, but I’m very sure that under controlled medication there is a lot that we can do. I wonder, though, whether he has other issues too.”

 

At that Koichi looked at the other man.

Happy to have caught the boy’s attention the doctor smiled at him.

“Do you live together?” he asked gently.

Koichi tensed at the question and shook his head no.

“Okay,” the doctor nodded in understanding. “Do you love each other?”

Koichi looked at the man, biting his lip in desperation. “Nobody can know,” he finally breathed out.

 

“Never worry about that,” the doctor told him. “What we discuss in here will never leave this room.”

Koichi nodded at him thankfully.

“You should, though,” the man continued and Koichi blinked at him. “Live together,” the doctor explained. “You should watch your partner’s behaviour very closely. He seems to be falling into a depression. It might well be a side effect of his meds-cocktail, but you should make sure to keep an eye on it.”

 

“Okay,” Koichi sighed out, feeling very exhausted. “Thank you a lot for helping us today,… ano… sorry, what is your name?”

“Chiba Haruki,” the man answered.

“Right,” Koichi nodded. “Thank you for everything, Chiba-sensei.”

“Come and see me by the end of next week,” Chiba told him. “We’ll discuss our next steps then. And make sure you can report to me on Tsuyoshi’s behaviour.”

Another nod, then Koichi flew out the door.

 

 __________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

It had been more than just awkward. Koichi had been surprised he could convince Tsuyoshi to let him move in in the first place. As they arranged themselves they tried to find a new routine, but that proved difficult. Koichi was still hurt by Tsuyoshi’s betrayal and the latter boy kept distant, refusing all kind of body contact, or even longer chats. Koichi tried desperately to be understanding, telling himself that Tsuyoshi needed his support and tried to forget about what the other had done.

 

Curiously, as Tsuyoshi seemed to adjust to his presence, he too started to feel more relaxed. They started out small, having dinner together again, or just sitting together in front of the TV. While Tsuyoshi was still wary about physical contact, he seemed to enjoy Koichi’s presence, which made the older boy very happy. They had both taken a break from work and finally fell into a new, easier routine. Koichi really felt that things were falling into place again.

 

They had visited Chiba-sensei four times by then, getting new medication for Tsuyoshi and they seemed to work alright. Koichi kept testing the effect, telling Tsuyoshi to cook, or to clean the apartment. As Tsuyoshi saw that he could use his body, he seemed to get more confident again. He got himself a dog, whom he kept walking regularly and whom Koichi too came to love a lot.

 

All of that only added to Koichi’s shock, - because nothing had prepared him for that sight – when he walked into their now shared bathroom and found Tsuyoshi sitting naked on the floor, tub filled with already cooling water and a knife blinking in his deft fingers.

Tsuyoshi looked up at him and froze in shock.

The two boys just kept staring at each other, neither of them moving, or saying anything. Koichi felt torn between an immediate urge to rush to his partner and hug him tightly and the feeling that he wanted to turn on his heel and run as fast as he could. He knew, though, that neither was a very good idea and forced himself to stand his ground.

 

“Ano…” he finally spoke up. “Sorry, I should have knocked.”

Tsuyoshi just stared at him in disbelief.

“I… I left my glasses,” he explained. “They changed the script and I can’t memorize well from hearing, so I thought I’d come and get them. Have you seen them?” he asked Tsuyoshi.

The younger boy just shook his head.

“Well, then I’ll just…” Koichi mumbled, starting to roam the room.

Tsuyoshi just kept gaping at him, a look of utmost confusion on his face.

 

“Ah, found it,” Koichi declared as he lifted some random magazines. He turned around. “Okay, then,” he nodded to himself. “That’s what I came for.”

Tsuyoshi was still silent, horror stricken.

“Ano…” Koichi mumbled out, licking his lips. “Can I borrow this?” he asked, pointing at the knife in Tsuyoshi’s hands.

Again the younger boy merely blinked, first at him, then at the blade in his hands. It was probably out of his sheer surprise that he handed the item over so easily.

 

Koichi smiled at him. “Thanks. I’ll be taking it, if that’s okay. I really want an apple, but I just can’t eat them without cutting them up. I’ll just buy one, okay? I know it’s fancy, but… it’s okay, right?”

Tsuyoshi still just looked at him, confused.

“That I want an apple,” Koichi explained.

A short nod.

“Do you… want me to buy one for you too?” Koichi asked carefully. “I mean, they’re really expensive. So, make sure you really want to eat one if you tell me to get it.” He looked at his partner intensely. “Do you want an apple?”

 

A longer pause during which Koichi held his breath painfully. Finally Tsuyoshi simply nodded at him and he had to repress the urge to sigh in relief and hug the other boy. Instead he just nodded back.

“Okay,” he said as he turned to leave the room. “I’ll… see you later, then?”

As he did not close the door, Tsuyoshi realized that he was waiting for an answer.

The younger boy licked dry lips. “Later,” he whispered out.

 

That single word was enough for Koichi to finally draw the door shut behind him. Once outside he stopped, hand clasping over his mouth in order to silence his small sobs. Had he opened the door again, he would have found Tsuyoshi lying on the floor, crying desperately as well. However, he knew he had to be strong, so he braced himself and finally made his way back to work.

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Phew. Okay, it's over. The darkest piece of this series is done. I've been dreading to write this. I was mainly worried that Koichi would simply run wild and do stupid or bad stuff, but I think he was fantastic in how he handled the whole thing. Of course, the situation still needs some sorting out, but the big crash is over now. Thank goodness. I really don't like writing gloomy stuff.