Love Episodes - Episode 8b: Love in the Phi

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Rating: PG-13 (to be safe)
Disclaimer: Don't own KinKi Kids, or anything JE-related
Warnings: a bit dark and angsty
Multi-Chapter


Introduction: This takes place during the shooting of "Rookie". I'm not exactly sure why I placed it there, but the time seems about right. So, this is a bit earlier than I've already gotten, somewhere in 2001. Koichi is the object of interest on set and has no idea what to do about it. Fortunately, he has a lot of support. But still, will he find the strength to determine his own future?


Notes: This came out of nowhere. Suddenly it was in my head. Certainly they would be advanced by other people and then what might happen? This one ended up being rather gloomy, although I like the ending a lot. Hope you will like it.

“Here you go, Koichi-kun,” Rina smiled happily.

Koichi felt a knot twist in his stomach, a sensation that had become too familiar in the past few weeks. He looked at the neatly decorated bento box that had been placed in front of him and even though every fibre of him was screaming no, he forced himself to smile at the girl gently, bowing as he muttered a few awkward words of thanks.

“I hope you won’t be mad,” the girl continued hesitantly. “I overheard how you told Kakei-san that you really like omuraisu in bento, so I added some for you. Ano… it’s furikake, I hope that is okay.”

 

As Koichi looked up at her, she didn’t even face him, but stared out the window. He couldn’t really understand why girls did this sort of thing, but he knew that they did and he had simply accepted the fact. This whole situation was still very difficult for him to handle. He looked at the girl’s back and her reflection in the window showed that she was smiling brightly with gleaming eyes. He closed his eyes in frustration. Why on earth did it have to be so complicated?

 

“So…” Rina tried shyly, “is it good?”

Koichi blinked. Being so caught in his train of thoughts he hadn’t even taken a single bite yet. He quickly grabbed his chopsticks and tried some of the omuraisu. It was really good. Although nothing Tsuyoshi wouldn’t make for him as well. He gulped quickly and still half-swallowing he stated, “It’s really good.”

At that the girl turned back to him, her smile even brighter now. “Really? Ah, I’m so glad you like it.”

 

Koichi nodded gratefully at her. “It’s really good. Thank you.”

Not knowing what else to do, he simply dug into his meal, hoping she would leave him to it so that he wouldn’t have to talk to her any more. Sure enough, she nodded happily at him, moving away from the window.

“Just hand it back to me when you’re done,” she said simply, leaving him.

As soon as Koichi was sure she was out of earshot he sighed.

 

What to make of this? I mean, I can’t be any more obvious. I practically look through her. But she keeps coming with all her… well, stuff. The things that girls do when they… like someone. But what can I do? I know she’s waiting for me to make a move, but I hardly will. On the other hand I cannot simply refuse the kindness. It’s just that she seems the type who will absolutely not confess, no matter how dense the guy might be. We’re going in circles and I just don’t know how to solve this. If it were only the drama, I could say that we’re done in about a month, but she already tries to find several ways to see me outside this set. It’s absolutely no good, trying to avoid her. Ah, this is really bad.

 

Koichi sighed, digging into his bento again.

“Ah, bento again?” Kakei asked, as he returned from grabbing a quick lunch in the cafeteria.

Koichi just nodded awkwardly.

“Mah,” Kakei sighed, sounding nostalgic, “aren’t you lucky? To get to eat home-made food.”

 

I could ask Tsuyoshi to do this while I’m shooting, but I don’t want to bother him.

 

“She must really like you a lot,” the older man said, winking at him.

“Mh,” Koichi made, turning slightly away and hoping the other man would read it as a sign of embarrassment.

Apparently he got lucky, as Kakei merely patted his shoulder and said “Way to go,” before he left him with his meal.

Once he was alone again, Koichi let his head fall onto the table. “What am I gonna do?”

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

“I really don’t know what to do,” Koichi explained. “She never says anything. Or does anything… well, concrete. She just keeps… looming. Waiting. But I can’t really do anything. I mean, I don’t want to. But then, if I refuse her lunch, won’t that be bad too and…”

“Koichi,” Ken interrupted him, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Just a second, ne? I think I’ve already got a head-ache.”

“Eh?” Koichi gasped. “But… you’re supposed to help me. You’ve got a lot of experience, right? You must know how to handle such situations.”

 

“What about Tsuyoshi?” Ken asked suddenly.

Koichi blinked. “What about him?”

“Well, what is his opinion on this?”

“Well, concerning that…” Koichi mumbled, blushing a bit.

“What?” the bassist wanted to know.

“Well,” Koichi sighed, “I haven’t exactly told him about this.”

Ken merely stared at him. “Why not?”

 

Koichi started to feel awkward. “Isn’t it obvious? He’s been through so much and now he’s finally doing okay and I just don’t want to… well, to distress him like that. I don’t want him to know I feel down, it’ll depress him. And I don’t want him to be worried because there is someone else who likes me.”

“Why would he be worried about that?”

Koichi bit his lip. He never knew how the band leader did it, but somehow Ken could always extract the core of the issue from him.

 

“Because it’s a girl,” Koichi sighed out in a defeated voice.

“How is that important?” Ken inquired further.

“Well, it’s… not,” Koichi decided. “Not really. But he just might think that… well, I might have thoughts of getting married and having children after all. And with a woman to throw so much love at me…”

“And do you never have such thoughts?”

Koichi bit his lip again, but at that point it was no use, his eyes starting to shine with unshed tears.

 

“I love Tsuyoshi,” he croaked out.

“That’s a different matter,” Ken insisted. “Well?”

Koichi just shook his head miserably.

“Come now,” Ken tried to encourage him. “It’s not bad to have a lot of different thoughts. Thinking about various things and… possibilities.”

 

“But how can I think of…” Koichi choked a bit, shaking his head again. “I love Tsuyoshi. He makes me so happy. He loves me endlessly. How can I still be so selfish and ask whether that might still not be enough? When he gives me all of himself, how can I complain that… I cannot touch him outside our bedroom, not even go out regularly, always have to hide. Lie. It’s always lies. There are so many lies. Why is that? Is it fair? I don’t want to hurt other people having to lie to them and I don’t want to hurt myself when I lie because I can never be honest and share how happy I am.”

 

Ken just let him talk, watching in deep sympathy, as the words seemed to spill out of Koichi’s mouth like water from a broken dam.

“I…” Koichi started to sob. “Is it wrong to think sometimes that… it would just be easier? Everything would be easier. I could get married. I’d have kids. I want to have kids, dammit. So, why can’t I?”

“And with that prospect,” Ken finally spoke up again, choosing his words very carefully. “Would you leave Tsuyoshi?”

 

Koichi looked straight back at him, eyes red and face tear-stricken. He shook his head firmly.

“Never,” he stated silently, but in a determined voice.

“Then,” Ken concluded, smiling sadly at the miserable boy, “the reason why you do not reject her is not that you fear hurting her.”

“No, I really don’t want to hurt her,” Koichi insisted, even though he knew he was fighting a losing battle.

 

“Well, it might add to the misery of this,” Ken admitted. “But the main point is that you will finally have to make a choice that will determine your entire future. The moment you turn her down, you decide on a future against getting married and having children. And, of course, you knew this before, but I absolutely understand that it must hurt a lot to actively decline something that you actually seek. Even though you know you can’t have it… you just don’t want to refuse it directly.”

“Do I have to?” Koichi asked desperately.

 

“Absolutely,” Kan nodded at him, although it hurt him to see the boy in such a miserably state. “I’m sorry, Koichi,” he added sympathetically, pulling the boy into a warm hug.

Koichi just let himself be held for a while, sobbing silently. After some time he recovered enough to feel embarrassed about it, though.

“Sorry,” he muttered out, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’m bothering you so.”

“It’s fine,” Ken assured him. “Come by any time you need to.”

“Thanks,” Koichi said gratefully. Then his expression sobered. “I’ll do it,” he stated firmly. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

 

Ken just nodded at him, patting his shoulder encouragingly. “I will always support the two of you, no matter what.”

Koichi just smiled gratefully at him. He sighed as he got up to leave.

“I’ll… call,” he stated simply.

“Right.”

“Good night,” Koichi said, bowing as he left. “Shizurei shimashita.”

Ken just waved him off. “Itterashai, ne.”

 

 _________________________________________________________________________________________________

Koichi bit his lip. He was still eating his bento box of the day, looking out of the window miserably. She didn’t seem to want to give him some privacy that time, as she kept standing by the door, looking expectantly at his eating figure. At a certain point he couldn’t take it anymore. With a sigh he laid down his chop sticks and turned to face her fully.

“Are you done?” Rina asked in a cute voice.

 

“I… Uchiyama-kun, will you listen to me for a second?” Koichi requested.

“Why do you still address me so formally,” she asked, sounding a bit disappointed.

“Because it’s work,” Koichi insisted. “Listen, I… have something important to tell you.”

Rina’s eyes seemed to brighten even more, which caused Koichi’s heart to sink even deeper.

 

This is it. You’re gonna break a girl’s heart. How can you do this? But then, wouldn’t she suffer even more if you just kept this going? Definitely. But why do I have to? Okay now. I’m a man. I am strong. I can… I must do this.

 

“Uchiyama-kun,” Koichi began awkwardly, “I… think I understand that you really like me.”

“Oh,” the girl made simply, blushing and trying to hide her face a bit.

“Well, I… okay, listen I don’t want to drag this out, so I’ll just say it now and then I’ll explain, okay? I… I’m very sorry, but I cannot be with you.”

The girl blinked at him as though she had not understood what he had said.

 

“I’m really very sorry,” Koichi repeated. “And I know it was wrong to… well, to keep quiet for such a long time and just accept all of your kindness. I… really didn’t know how to deal with it and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But then I realised that I had to tell you the truth and even though it’s… I mean, I don’t want to make you sad, but I simply cannot be with you.”

A long and tense silence followed. Koichi felt so edgy, he thought he just had to turn around and leave.

 

At that exact moment Rina spoke up softly. “Why?” she asked desperately and obviously confused.

There seemed to be a lot of questions in that one word.

 

Why do you refuse me?

Why did you wait?

Why did you treat me kindly?

Why can’t you?

 

Koichi felt his head spinning as he tried desperately to find the words to explain something he knew he could not utter, for if he did everything would be over. She wanted a reason. That was only too understandable. Logical, even. But Koichi couldn’t give her the reason. He could maybe give her a reason, but then he’d be lying again and he felt that in this situation that would be so downright and utterly wrong he should have had to go straight to hell if he did it.

 

“I cannot,” he repeated simply, hoping against hope that she would just drop it.

Or course, he had no such luck. “Why?” she insisted.

And even though his guts twisted and he told himself that it was absolutely despicable, he felt how he opened his lips and heard how he answered her.

“I… have someone that I like,” he tried desperately.

“But… you keep saying you’re single,” Rina insisted.

“Well, the agency,” Koichi explained. “We’re not allowed to make it official. Only if we get married and that only when we’ve hit our thirties, and even then Johnny will still not like it a lot.”

 

“But then,” Rina sobbed, starting to cry, “why didn’t you tell me so from the beginning?”

“I’m really sorry,” Koichi assured her. “As I said, I just… didn’t know how to react to your… interest. I… I hurt you and I wronged you. I am very sorry.”

“How is she better than me?” the girl wanted to know.

Koichi blinked at that question. Wasn’t it enough already?

“It’s not really like that,” Koichi tried.

“But she must have something that I have not,” Rina insisted, “so that you will choose her over me.”

 

Try dick... Okay, that might be inappropriate, but it’s just too frustrating. Give me a break already. Don’t think this isn’t hard on me.

 

“I’m sorry,” Koichi smiled sadly at her, “but I don’t believe in this `good woman´ thing.”

“Eh?”

“In my experience, what a person has or does, has nothing to do with whether you love them. Love is totally… irrational. It hits you out of the blue, for no good reason and it’ll make you do the stupidest things. So… even if you were ten times better than… the one that I love, it wouldn’t change anything. To me this person is the best. I don’t have a reason for it and I don’t need one. The feeling alone is enough.”

 

After hearing Koichi’s little speech Rina did something the Kansai boy did absolutely not expect. She laughed awkwardly.

“And do you think such a stupid affection will last?” she asked, shaking her head. “That’s just infatuation. Once that wears off, if you then don’t have a good person, what will remain?”

“You’re wrong,” Koichi told her. “It’s not just… infatuation. It’s… it’s a choice. I know very well what I’m in for. I know what to expect and I’ve considered all the cons and pros and decided to dedicate my life to this person.”

 

“But what if it turns out that this person is, after all, not worthy of your love.”

“What are you trying to do now?” Koichi asked, getting angry. “Do you think by talking like this you can make me change my mind? By insulting the one that I love? I told you, it doesn’t matter. It’s not about worth. Love is nothing that you have to earn. It is offered to you. As a gift. Freely. No conditions. I just happen to be so lucky to have someone to present me with as much love as I give them. And I… I sincerely hope that one day you too will find someone who will treasure you like that, as you most certainly deserve it. But I am not the one.”

 

Another silence followed. Processing. Koichi forced himself to keep totally still, waiting patiently for Rina to conclude their scene. After a while, the girl took a deep breath and nodded.

“Okay,” she stated, voice tight and eyes shining with tears. “I understand.”

“I’m sorry,” Koichi whispered once more.

“I don’t want to hear it,” she told him. “You said what you wanted to say, so now… please leave me.”

 

Koichi sighed, knowing that he had brought this misery over her, but he understood that there was absolutely nothing that he could do anymore. So he simply nodded and turned to leave. A he went he could hear Rina sob silently and he cringed, wanting to turn around again, to explain some more, to hug her, comfort her somehow, but he knew it was impossible. He left the scene and the building and walked – car totally forgotten – through the city, never stopping until he was at Tsuyoshi’s place. He dragged himself up the stairs and rang the bell.

 

Tsuyoshi blinked at him as he opened the door. “Oi, aren’t you shooting today?”

“I’m done,” Koichi said, sounding way too tired, but he couldn’t get himself to care. “My scenes are closed, so I thought I’d drop by. Can I come in?”

“Sure,” Tsuyoshi mumbled as he stood aside, eyeing his lover warily as he slipped in. “Long day?”

“Mh,” Koichi made, nodding in confirmation.

“I’ll set up some tea for you,” Tsuyoshi decided. “Please wear slippers, I didn’t clean properly.”

 

Koichi nodded absentmindedly. He placed his shoes neatly at the entrance, grabbed a pair of slippers from a bag on the door and then made to go after his lover. He found him in the kitchen, standing over a teapot, checking the temperature of the water. He smiled. Then Tsuyoshi opened a cupboard and took out two cups, setting them onto a prepared tablet. Koichi knew that next he would turn around to open another cupboard that held a sugar can. However, he wouldn’t let him finish the task. He slipped into the small room, embracing Tsuyoshi tightly from behind.

 

The younger boy blinked. “Oi, what’s with you?”

Koichi just shook his head against the other’s shoulder. “Nothing much. I just want to hold you.”

“But the tea,” Tsuyoshi stated, trying to free himself, but Koichi still blocked him.

“I don’t want tea now,” Koichi told him, “I want you.”

“Koichi, you’re acting very strange today,” Tsuyoshi told him.

 

“Sorry,” Koichi said as he let go of the other, only to turn him around and, after flashing a bright smile at him, hugging him even more fiercely. “I just can’t help myself,” he explained. He moved his lips nearer to Tsuyoshi’s ear. Even though they were alone in the flat, Koichi felt that he wanted only Tsuyoshi to hear this, not even the cups or the teapot. “I love you so,” he whispered.

 

The younger boy’s eyes widened at that. Koichi didn’t like to voice his feelings so directly. It wasn’t much of a problem. He showed Tsuyoshi how much he loved him every day and in many ways. This, however, was a very rare thing.

“Are you going for a sex-treat?” he asked suspiciously.

Koichi simply shook his head against him.

“Are you not feeling well?” Tsuyoshi kept inquiring.

 

“Can’t you just please,” Koichi sighed frustratedly, “shut up and hold me?”

“Oh, okay,” Tsuyoshi muttered, putting his arms around the boy who clung to him as though he was the essence of life. He still didn’t understand what exactly was going on, but he could tell that his need of information about this was hardly as strong as his partner’s need for affection. “I love you too,” he answered lovingly and he smiled as he felt Koichi sigh happily and snuggle even closer to him.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ah, I'm sorry about the gloomy atmosphere. It's really my friend's fault. He makes me watch gloomy dramas and he rants to me too much about heart-ache. Although I feel sympathy for him. Poor boy. Anyway, happier chapters are on the way. Hope you liked anyway. ^_^