Lucky Charm (Bring me Love) - Chapter 5: My Life with Myself

[yoru-no-hikaru.livejournal.com]

Pairing: KinKi Kids
Other characters: Nagase Tomoya, MA, 4U, Uchi Hiroki, KAT-TUN mainly
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Don't own them, just love them ^^
Setting: AU
Warnings: Bit angsty. Itsi-bitsi-tiny bit.
Multi-Chapter


Notes: Yays, update. :D  Somehow this was finished before any of my other pieces, so I'll share it now, while working on the rest. Somehow it feels like this is the missing part of the last chapter. I hope you're gonna enjoy it. I want to dedicate this one to yuuri_funkasy to bring her a little bit of joy during her finals. All the best to you. ^_^


Intro: Koichi finds himself in a messed-up situation. But how do you deal with such a situation? Is it possible to mess with something that's already messed up? Is it okay to just go for it, when you're the person it's about, but it's not really your own life? And on top of all of that, what do you do when you're feeling lonely and you long for love? Let's find out...

Koichi sighed as he rode down to the entrance hall. It didn’t feel right to leave Tsuyoshi alone. And wasn’t he hurting the other just as much by leaving? He shook his head desperately. No, it was still better this way. It might hurt Tsuyoshi, yes, but when looking at it, this option was definitely lower on the odds of causing trouble. So, although he felt like a rotten person, Koichi got off the elevator and made for the street. He thought for a moment about returning his key, but decided against it. There was nothing wrong with keeping it. Tsuyoshi would want him to have it too, so…

“Koichi!”

Koichi stopped in his tracks, feeling shaken. As he turned around he found Tsuyoshi standing behind him, panting. The other must have come rushing after him. Koichi bit his lip. That was definitely not good. If they got too close, then…

“Koichi, don’t go,” Tsuyoshi pleaded.

“But… if I stay, then…”

“Then something will happen,” Tsuyoshi sighed. “And you know, I think it’s about time something happened. I’ve always held back, kept everything inside, watched Koichi, but never said or did anything. I was too much of a coward. But I’m not gonna run anymore. From here I want to walk together.”

“But you don’t know where we’re going,” Koichi opposed.

“True,” the other admitted. “But I’ll take the risk. I’ve finally realized that `just standing by his side´ is actually no good. I kept telling myself that it was okay like that, because it was safe and it couldn’t ruin anything. But really, what’s to ruin? We hardly talk to each other, I only get to see him when we’re shooting, or touring, which isn’t exactly often. I just kept telling myself it was too dangerous to approach… well, whatever it is between us. But now I realize that was just… I thought it would be easier, but look at us. Nothing’s easy, is it? So, it’s really time something changed here. But we can only do this together. Koichi, will you come with me?”

Koichi blinked at the hand that was offered to him by the other man. He hesitated. What if everything broke apart? What if they couldn’t find a way? But then a thought hit Koichi. At that point he understood that even that was an option. Not a nice one, but even breaking everything down was a way out of the current mess. The continued and hardened situation was what was totally unbearable. And then Koichi understood. And he nodded at the other. It had to stop. That weird little nothing between them had to stop. He took Tsuyoshi’s hand into his and like that they moved back into the apartment.

“And now?” Koichi asked timidly once he had somewhat settled in again.

“I don’t know,” Tsuyoshi shrugged. “Dinner?”

Koichi gave him a pointed look.

“What?” Tsuyoshi demanded. “It’s not like we can solve everything right here within a minute. And we still have to eat… and I’m hungry.”

“You could have said that while we were downstairs, you know,” Koichi complained. “We could have bought something. Plus, we still have to discuss…”

“Yes, I know,” the other waved him off. “We’re going to… talk about everything. But isn’t it okay to have dinner?”

“Fine,” Koichi nodded. “Why not, actually? Ah, I’ll call Tomo and tell him not to wait for me.”

“Hey,” Tsuyoshi called out. When Koichi blinked at him, he bit his lip nervously. “What… are you going to tell him?”

“I don’t know,” Koichi shrugged. “It’s Tomo. Maybe for now I’ll just tell him you borrowed a movie and we’re watching it.”

“And that’s going to do the trick?” Tsuyoshi asked sceptically. “Your friends sure are weird.”

“If we hook up, that’ll make you weird too,” Koichi pointed out.

Tsuyoshi blushed slightly at that. “As if,” he pouted.

“Well, you can’t know,” Koichi shrugged. “You never talked to him.”

“When it comes to that he does all the talking for both of us,” Tsuyoshi stated. “It’s sickening for him…”

“And he told you that?” Koichi asked, arching a brow.

The other merely nodded. “He keeps going on about how it would be totally off and stuff. How it’s weird and how he hates when people think of him in such a way.”

“Yeah, but have you ever told him you like him?” Koichi asked.

“I… no,” Tsuyoshi demanded. “And as I said before, I don’t even know if I do. I’m just… oh, forget it.”

“Hey,” Koichi called out, grabbing Tsuyoshi’s arm as the other moved to leave.

In a quick move he turned the younger man around, grabbed him and placed a daring kiss on his lips. He could feel Tsuyoshi’s body going weak, his skin prickling as a shudder ran through him before Koichi found answering lips against his and arms wrapping around his form. He couldn’t help the smile forming on his lips and shamefully enjoyed the closeness that felt weirdly familiar to him. As they parted Tsuyoshi merely stared at him helplessly, while Koichi gave him a sad smile.

“You do like him,” Koichi whispered.

“No shit,” Tsuyoshi muttered, eyes still glued to Koichi’s.

“Well, one thing set clear,” Koichi offered.

“Yeah,” the other nodded. He abruptly let go of Koichi and went for his phone. “We should order something in,” he decided, already pressing buttons. “I’m really starving…”

It took a while for the atmosphere to get somewhat bearable again. Once they had finished their Okonomiyaki they were able to talk to each other again with just slight awkwardness.

“I’m sorry about before,” Koichi muttered.

“No, I… it’s okay,” Tsuyoshi assured him.

Then their conversation was disturbed. Koichi blinked as his phone rang. Then his eyes widened as he saw the name on the display.

“Tomo,” he whispered. “I totally forgot…”

Before he could discuss with himself what to do and how to talk to his friend, the phone was swiftly grabbed from his fingers.

“Koichi’s staying here,” was all Tsuyoshi said before he broke off the connection again.

Koichi eyed the other carefully as he accepted his phone back.

“Do you think that was wise?” he asked doubtfully.

Tsuyoshi merely shrugged. Koichi chuckled lightly, shaking his head.

“What?” Tsuyoshi asked.

“It’s weird,” Koichi laughed. “This kind of… awkwardness. I remember it. It hasn’t been like that between us for a long time now. But I still remember that we had that kind of air.”

“Really?”

Koichi nodded. “You know, it wasn’t easy for me either. To think about, to consider, to accept… it takes time. There was a point where I hated Tsuyoshi for giving me weird feelings. I thought I had turned out all wrong… and that it was his fault. Of course, I learned later that it’s quite different. Still… it’s nothing you will just take in casually.”

Tsuyoshi nodded. “Yes, I… I think I know what you mean. When I’m being honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been happy, as in happy in love. I always lacked… something.”

Koichi shook his head, though. “I didn’t mean you. I mean… what if he’s having doubts? What if he’s afraid of…”

“Koichi would never accept me,” Tsuyoshi answered right away.

“How do you know?” Koichi asked. “You said you never approached him.”

“I’m telling you, he would not take me,” the other insisted.

“If he gets the time to consider…”

“I’m not saying he wouldn’t possibly opt for guys,” Tsuyoshi clarified. “My point is that he wouldn’t take me.”

Koichi frowned at that. “What do you mean?”

The younger man merely sighed. “It doesn’t matter,” he decided.

“The hell, it doesn’t,” Koichi shot out. “Spill it.”

Tsuyoshi glared at him for a moment, as if he’d found Koichi reading his diary.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, you said you wanted to tackle things,” Koichi shrugged. “Now, charge.”

Another sigh escaped Tsuyoshi, but then he nodded.

“Okay, here’s what it is. Koichi actually hates me. Well, maybe not `hates´ me per say, but he… dislikes me.”

“Why would he?” Koichi asked, shaking his head.

“It’s…” Tsuyoshi bit his lip. “Look, there was that one time I heard him and Nagase talking backstage. It was a J-Friends kind of thing. Anyway…”

*flashback*

“I totally don’t know what your problem is,” Nagase stated, shaking his head. “He’s really such a nice guy. And he quite likes you.”

“Yeah, well, I can’t love everyone,” Koichi shrugged.

“You certainly don’t,” Nagase said with a frown. “But what’s even more, not a lot of people like you, so why don’t you want to befriend someone who’s actually nice to you?”

“I just don’t want that sort of… kindness.” Koichi had spat out the last word as though it had made him sick.

“What’s so wrong about it? He just wants to be friends. He really tries to make you feel comfortable, you know.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” Koichi bit back.

Nagase gave his friend a glare. “Koichi, stop bitching around like that and if something’s bothering you, just say it. Did Tsuyoshi do anything to you? Do you think he’s just trying to appeal for some reason?”

“What do you think?!” Koichi burst out all of a sudden. “He’s trying to make me feel comfortable? Why would he think he’d have to make me feel comfortable?”

“Because you’ve got a stick up your ass?”

“He’s just trying to cover the fact that he knows that he’s better than me,” Koichi explained. “That he’s the star of this group and I got the part of his cute little side-kick, who’s considerate, but nowhere near meets his skill. I don’t need him to pity me, though. I don’t need anything from him. I’ll succeed by myself. I’ll surpass him. Maybe not in singing. Maybe not when it comes to music. But I’ll find a way, so he won’t look at me with those eyes anymore.”

Nagase looked at his friend with sad eyes. “Do you really feel this way? That Tsuyoshi thinks he’s got to make up for… for being talented?”

“That’s obviously what he’s trying to do,” Koichi answered. “He’d never accept me as an equal. So, why would I want to be friends with someone, who’s looking down on me like that?”

“If that’s all you can see in him,” Nagase shrugged, “I guess I can’t help you.”

“It’s his fault,” Koichi argued. “For being like that. He’s the one who can’t see through our differences.”

“Maybe if you helped him a bit,” Nagase suggested, “you could make him understand. I don’t think he knows how you’re feeling about it.”

“He doesn’t have to,” Koichi shrugged. “If his attitude changes because he knows, that won’t be an improvement.”

Nagase sighed. “We should talk about this later. We’ll be out in a few minutes.”

*end flashback*

Koichi stared. “And because of that you never…”

“No, I tried,” Tsuyoshi explained. “I thought that maybe I could convince him that I could change without him telling me. I will admit that I thought sometimes he must feel out of place and I tried to be nice. I had no idea it was hurting him. So, I tried to change things between us, but it was to no avail. He concluded Nagase had talked to me. They had a huge fight over that, from what I’ve heard and that’s where I decided to follow his request to keep my distance. And that’s how it’s been ever since.”

Koichi shook his head. “Envy. Such a childish attitude.”

“We were young,” Tsuyoshi shrugged. “Maybe his feelings changed later.”

“But why did you never talk about it?” Koichi demanded.

“We had quite some trouble as we started out,” Tsuyoshi explained. “After we decided to each go our ways and just meet for the occasional album, or tour, things started to work. I didn’t want to put that at stake. It was the base of both our careers, after all. So I wanted to protect that.”

“You wanted to protect your career?” Koichi asked. “Rather than solve a problem with someone you like? I can see here that you and Tsuyoshi are very different from each other.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I’m not perfect like your lover,” Tsuyoshi scoffed. “But if it had turned out bad, then what, huh? I’m not intelligent like Koichi. 143 IQ Koichi, who knows everything, who went to university and who would get a job in any field. The only thing I ever studied was music. It’s what I can do. And about the only thing that I can do. When it’s not just a career, but your existence, you’ll think about it another way, trust me.”

Koichi bit his lip. That last statement had gotten him a lot of new and unexpected information and he wasn’t quite sure where to start. He thought it wise, though, to ease the other’s mind a bit before going for anything in particular.

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. “I… I didn’t think about it that way. When looking at it like that, you’re right, of course. Music is what you do. It’s your life and what else would you be doing? I’m surprised, though. Koichi went to university?”

Tsuyoshi nodded. “Yeah, he finished Maths and Physics.”

“What do you know,” Koichi chuckled. “A geek.”

“A bit of one,” Tsuyoshi agreed with a smile. “And he’s ardent about his fields.”

“Of course, he is,” Koichi nodded. He considered the other for a moment and couldn’t help smiling. “You know, maybe you and Koichi… maybe somehow you missed each other. Like, you missed the right spot where you could meet. It feels like you passed by each other several times, but you never stopped to actually acknowledge each other.”

“Maybe,” Tsuyoshi mused.

“That means nothing’s lost,” Koichi smiled reassuringly at him. “You can still make it work.”

“I don’t want to `make it work´, though,” Tsuyoshi argued. “If anything, I want… him.”

“Then fight for him,” Koichi advised the other.

“How?”

“Well, I think he likes science, Computer games, I don’t know… water?”

“I don’t really know,” the other admitted.

“Well, if he likes water, you can think of something easily,” Koichi mused. “And if he yet has to discover the beauty of water, you can show him. Water is brilliant.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely,” Koichi nodded enthusiastically. “Like, did you know that water is the only substance that will grow in volume, no matter whether you heat it up or cool it down?”

Tsuyoshi blinked at that. “Huh?”

“Well,” Koichi explained, “you see, usually objects will expand as they get heated up. The energy-overload will make the molecules vibrate, distances between them get bigger and thus the volume grows. When you cool objects down, it’ll make the distances smaller, so the object will shrink. Just water… expands either way. Have you ever left a bottle of water in your freezer? It’ll burst, because the water expands inside the bottle and eventually breaks it when the pressure gets too big. That’s how water can even cut into mountains, when it freezes in cracks and expends, it can blast off huge rocks.”

Tsuyoshi merely stared. “Wow, that’s… actually pretty amazing.”

“Isn’t it?” Koichi said enthusiastically. “And, you know, we think that water adjusts into any form, but in reality, water, as it moves, shapes the landscape, so actually, the water is forming the landscape, rather than the other way around.”

“You sure know a lot about water,” Tsuyoshi chuckled.

“It’s just the most fascinating substance on this planet.”

“Well, maybe if you teach me a bit more, I can share it with Koichi later.”

“You should,” Koichi nodded. “I’ll tell you everything I know about water.”

“Cool.”




___________________________________________________________________________________

Koichi sighed as he flopped down on the couch, not even registering Tsuyoshi was sitting on the same object.

“Okaeri nasai,” Tsuyoshi offered amusedly.

Obviously Nagase had once again succeeded in making Koichi find appeal in one of his favourite drinks – beer.

“How was your get-together?” Tsuyoshi asked.

“I fucked up,” Koichi sighed out, sounding rather tired than worried.

Tsuyoshi’s eyes grew wide at that. “What do you mean, you fucked up?”

“He knows now,” Koichi yawned. “You know, that I’m from another dimension.”

“You told him that?” Tsuyoshi gasped in disbelief.

“Well, I just couldn’t help it,” Koichi shrugged. “There was no helping it. He kept pestering me about all sorts of stuff and obviously I said something Koichi wouldn’t have said and then I just told him.”

“And he just accepted what you said?” the other asked doubtfully.

“He said it was better than alien abduction,” Koichi shrugged. “He sure is one of a kind.”

“He is,” Tsuyoshi agreed. “And… you guys are cool like that?”

“Oh, totally,” Koichi waved the other off. “We’re meeting again next week for a movie.”

“Sounds nice…”

“Mh.”

Koichi yawned once more and snuggled himself up on the couch, not even noticing that he was leaning on Tsuyoshi, his head rubbing against the other’s shoulder.

“Ah, Koichi,” Tsuyoshi mumbled. “How about you get some sleep? You seem to be… tired.”

“Yeah, sleep,” Koichi sighed, snuggling up to Tsuyoshi even more.

“No, I didn’t mean here,” the younger man explained.

Koichi frowned slightly. “Warm,” was all he said as he grabbed Tsuyoshi’s arm to make sure he wouldn’t have to leave his comfortable place on the sofa.

“Koichi,” Tsuyoshi tried again, “come on, you can sleep, but you should move to your… well, compound. It’s more comfortable there.”

“I like it here,” Koichi decided, smiling sleepily.

“Koichi, please,” the younger man insisted almost desperately. “I… what do you think I am? If you wrap yourself around me like that I’ll… grow weak.”

“Tsuyoshi can be strong,” Koichi mumbled.

With a deep sigh Tsuyoshi gave into his fate. His arm found its way around Koichi’s shoulder and his hand moved to lovingly stroke Koichi’s soft locks of hair. Koichi purred in delight, sliding a bit lower to give the other better access. Tsuyoshi smiled vaguely.

“You know… I really do love your hair. It’s so… soft. So light. It’s like satin. Just wonderful. And it smells so good…”

Tsuyoshi found himself purring too as he leaned in closely to smell Koichi’s hair. A familiar fragrance that made him shiver slightly, especially as he noticed that he wasn’t being pushed away, even though he’d definitely crossed a line. He licked his lips, considering. Should he… make a move? As he looked at Koichi’s form, the man looked so sweet, half-asleep and clinging to him for warmth and Tsuyoshi smiled at the picture. He just couldn’t resist. Very carefully, he moved in, closer to Koichi until he could smell his breath. It smelled a bit bitter, but not unpleasant – obviously Koichi had had a few mints after drinking. When there was still no strong reaction to his advances he moved in all the way and brushed his lips to Koichi’s delicately. No reaction. He nipped at the lips softly, capturing them fully, starting a slow kiss. For a moment nothing happened. Then Koichi eyes flew open and he straightened himself up in a blur.

“What are you doing?!” he demanded, eyes still wide.

“Well, what do you think?” Tsuyoshi bit at him. “You snuggle up to me, you give me sweet words, you let me pet your hair and you enjoy it… I love… Koichi and if you offer such a display, I can’t…”

“What – keep your hands to yourself?” Koichi scoffed. “What are you – an animal?”

Tsuyoshi frowned at that. “No, I am certainly no animal,” he stated flatly. “But if you offer yourself like that… I’m just a man, Koichi, a man in love with you and, yes, also in love with your body. When you let me feel it like that, then…”

“That’s a mistake I won’t make again,” Koichi assured the other.

“Well, fine,” Tsuyoshi scoffed. “I asked you three times, you know, to retreat from me, but you wouldn’t. I said I might do something, but you didn’t listen.”

“I was sleeping,” Koichi demanded. “What – if I hadn’t woken up properly, what else would you have done to me?”

Tsuyoshi stiffened at that. “Do you think I would have forced myself on you?”

“Well, I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours,” Koichi told him.

A look that Koichi couldn’t quite place swished over Tsuyoshi’s face, before the second later it was blank again.

“You can rest assured,” Tsuyoshi said in a silent voice, getting up from the couch.

Koichi blinked at his figure.

“Na, Koichi…”

“Hm?”

“Why are you and Tsuyoshi… so distant from each other?”

“Well,” Koichi mused, “I suppose I’m too proud and he’s too… wary.”

“Would you like to be closer to him?” Tsuyoshi wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” Koichi admitted. “I mean, sometimes I think it would be great, but then I’m thinking… it would make things even more complicated.”

“I don’t think it would be complicated,” Tsuyoshi argued, turning around to face Koichi fully. “Not any more than it is anyway. Because relationships, no matter what sort, are never easy. When people meet, there’s tension. That’s not bad, but you have to find a way to live with it. If you want that person in your life, that is. I was just wondering… if you found Tsuyoshi worth the trouble.”

Koichi smiled at that. “I would,” he said softly. “I do. He’s definitely worth it. … Tsuyoshi?”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry,” Koichi muttered. “About what I said earlier. Of course, you wouldn’t… do anything to me. You wouldn’t harm me.”

“Never,” Tsuyoshi whispered. “I’m sorry too, I crossed a line and being tempted is a very bad excuse.”

“Actually, the drive for sex is even stronger than the drive for food,” Koichi explained. “There have been tests where hamsters starved to death because they continuously had to decide between pushing a button and receive stimulation, or pushing a button which gave them food and they would always push for orgasm. So, when it’s about the drive, I guess it actually is a comprehensible excuse.”

“Wow, that’s… interesting,” Tsuyoshi said with a smile. “You know, Koichi knows a lot of stories like that too.”

“He does?”

“Yeah,” Tsuyoshi nodded. “He often tells me stories when I’m feeling down, or something, you know, to distract me and to cheer me up.”

“Well, I guess that’s something I can do too,” Koichi offered.

“That would be great,” the younger man beamed. “You know, Koichi also massages me when I’m not feeling well.”

“No, he doesn’t,” Koichi dared him. “But I could…I don’t know, I could cook for you,” he offered.

“Oh, we absolutely have a deal,” Tsuyoshi grinned.

“Good,” Koichi nodded. “But now I really should catch some sleep. Ah, I might be a bit hang-over-ish tomorrow morning, so make sure to keep your distance, I’m quite unbearable in that state.”

“Thanks for warning me,” Tsuyoshi waved him off. “I’ll watch out.”

“Okay, then… good night, Tsuyoshi.”

“Good night, Kou.”

____________________________________________________________________________________

So, this is it, for now. ^^ I'm really excited. Things are finally starting to move, there's a lot going on and it seems that everybody wants to work towards a better future. I'm already very much looking forward to seeing where this will go. I hope you guys had fun reading. ^_^

Chapter 4

Chapter 6